Christmas Grief
Itโs been 14 years but I remember Christmas Eve 2008 like it was yesterday. My husband and I were still reeling from the coup dโeฬtat weโd experienced several weeks earlier at our church where heโd pastored for 7 years. Instead of ringing handbells, listening to my husband preach and our daughter sing, we were sitting with my sisterโs family five hundred miles away.
At their church. With their pastor.
Surrounded by hundreds of strangers.
As the congregation sang โSilent Nightโ and candlelight spread throughout the sanctuary, I began to sob. Never had I known the depths of such grief.
Grief canโt help but intensify during the holidays. Society has created a season that emphasizes shopping, parties, and family gatherings where everyone is home for Christmas. Weโre supposed to โhave a holly jolly Christmasโ and โbe of good cheer.โ
But what if the holidays are filled with grief instead of cheer?
One of the most important things we can do during the holiday season is to acknowledge the grief we feel. Trying to ignore it does no good. And berating ourselves with thoughts like โThis is silly, I shouldnโt be grieving over thisโ or โThat happened a long time ago, I should be over it by nowโ only makes matters worse.
Perhaps your grief comes from the loss of relationships. Maybe this is your first holiday season since the passing of a loved one. Or maybe circumstances prevent you from being with your family this year. Or perhaps people have betrayed you and the place they once held in your life is now just a lot of emptiness. The holidays have intensified your loss.
If youโre a minister in transition due to a painful exit from your previous church, the holidays are especially difficult. You have no sermons to write, no music to rehearse, no church to decorate, no parties to attend, no Christmas Eve service to plan. Your calendar is completely clear. In the past, you struggled to get everything done. But now thereโs nothing to do. And that, my friend, can result in deep grief.
With Christmas just around the corner, what can we do to cope with grief, even as we celebrate the birth of our Savior? If you are grieving because of the death of a loved one, I encourage you to attend a GriefShare group or other grief workshop in your community. If your grief is due to other types of loss, here are a few suggestions that Iโve found helpful:
5 SUGGESTIONS TO HELP WITH GRIEF
1).ย Be gentle with yourself
Allow yourself time to grieve. If you need to cry, cry. Let the tears flow and donโt be ashamed of them. When sadness rolls in like a dense fog, recognize it as part of grief and be gentle with yourself. And know that the fog will eventually lift.
2).ย Change your routine
The first Christmas after my mother-in-law passed away, my husbandโs family came to our house for Christmas instead of everyone gathering at the homeplace as weโd always done in the past. It didnโt remove the grief but it lessened the pain.
3).ย Have Plan B
If Plan A is to attend a Christmas Eve service, Plan B might be to go to a movie or drive around and look at Christmas lights. If you get to the church and find you just cannot go inside, switch to Plan B. Saying โI just canโt do thisโ is a healthy way to deal with grief.
4).ย Use caution when listening to Christmas music
If youโre out in public, you probably canโt avoid it. But when youโre at home or in your car, be aware of how the music you listen to impacts your soul. If hearing Andy Williams declare, โItโs the most won-DER-ful time of the yearโ makes you want to hurl Alexa across the room, turn it off. Nothing makes me change stations faster than hearing the first notes of โChristmas Shoes.โ And this year, I have no desire to hear the sad sounds of โIโll Be Home for Christmas.โ Nope. Not gonna listen to it. But if you canโt imagine Christmas without music, choose which songs help and listen to those. For me, itโs Michael W. Smith and Carrie Underwoodโs duet, โAll is Well,โ and the Josh Groban Christmas CD. Other than โIโll Be Home for Christmas,โ which I skip over, the CD is wonderfully worshipful.
5).ย Be intentional when getting on social media
If seeing photos and reading comments helps you survive the holidays, great. But if it doesnโt, avoid logging on. It doesnโt mean youโre weak. It means youโre wise.
Whatever has caused your grief, please know that you will get through this season. I may not know your name or your situation but I know what itโs like to feel intense grief during the holidays. I pray that as we celebrate the birth of our Savior, you will feel His loving arms wrap around you and in the midst of your tears youโll hear Him say, โYouโre going to be OK. I have come. Iโm right here.โ
ยฉ Deanna Harrison
Executive Director, Pastorsโ Hope Network
