How do I, as a pastor’s wife, handle relationships with the wives of staff that my husband has had to fire?
This is one of the most difficult and sticky situations that I have to navigate. It’s made harder when I’ve invested time, sometimes years, in the relationship and mentored the wife as she’s found her way in this tough ministry journey.
Why is this especially complicated for pastors’ wives? Let me give you a rundown that might bring clarity to what you are feeling and experiencing.
Shared Trench
You’ve likely worked for the Kingdom, shoulder to shoulder, through some hard seasons. You’ve seen God work through your partnership and friendship and suddenly, it’s all gone. You’ve lost a friend but also a comrade. That loss is greater than what it would be if your husband were employed in another vocation.
Undisclosed Information
When an employee isn’t fulfilling his/her role in their job, it creates relational and organizational strife and tension at work. But unfortunately, most of the time, the employee doesn’t share this with their spouse. The spouse may know that work is stressful, but they don’t know that it’s because he/she isn’t meeting the expectations of the role or those who oversee them. This means that when they are let go, the spouse is often blindsided, having been “in the dark” regarding the reasons for the termination. When this happens, the spouse will naturally see church leadership as the villain and get into their spouse’s corner to defend them for being treated so terribly. While it might be tempting to want to shed some light on the “real reasons” for their termination, this is NOT YOUR ROLE. Do not step into this and risk bringing division into their marriage. God will work to reveal truth. So resist communicating “the rest of the story” to the spouse or to others who are confused because there are pieces of the story they are not privy to.
Sometimes letting someone go becomes much more difficult than it needs to be because leadership simply didn’t handle it well. For more on how to let someone go from a church or ministry, take a look at this article from Gospel Coalition.
As I’ve walked through the loss over several friendships through termination and also navigating conflict among those that remain over differing opinions about the decisions of leadership, here are some principles that have helped me stay focused on bringing glory to God, even in this messy place.
1. Acknowledge the Pain
Regardless of the circumstances of the firing, it’s likely that the staff member’s wife is experiencing grief, hurt, or even anger. Recognize that their emotions are valid, and they may need time and space before engaging in a healthy relationship with you again.
2. Separate Yourself from the Decision
While you support your husband, you are not the one who made the decision to let someone go. If appropriate, you can gently affirm that this was a church leadership decision and not a personal one. If needed, it’s always appropriate (and Biblical!!) to point those with questions to your husband or to whomever holds responsibility for the decision. However, be careful not to over-explain or justify—sometimes, silence and empathy go further than explanations.
3. Lead with Grace and Kindness
Even if the relationship becomes strained, continue to be kind and available, but not pushy. A simple text or handwritten note expressing that you care about them, praying for them, or acknowledging their pain (without asking any questions that require a response) can go a long way.
You may get the cold shoulder from them, or even others in your congregation, due to a decision you had nothing to do with. Grace means giving them favor they don’t deserve. In this, it means understanding that they are acting out of an ignorance of all of the information. When you respond with a kindness they don’t deserve, you are loving them like Jesus.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries
God doesn’t always call us to maintain a relationship with everyone we encounter. In situations like this, we need to be willing to give up the right or desire to be “their person” or to fix it. Sometimes severing or limiting the amount of connection is what is needed. If the situation turns toxic—whether through gossip, accusations, or hostility—you have every right to protect your emotional and spiritual well-being. You don’t have to be best friends, but you can still be gracious without subjecting yourself to ongoing negativity.When you see them at the grocery store, you can be gracious without being fake.
Depending on how ugly the relationship gets as a result of the termination, you may have to take some intentional time to go before the Lord and ask Him to show you how to forgive them. Not just the shallow “I forgive them”. But the deep down sacrifice of the right to hold onto our anger. You can get more help with this in the Emotional Health In Ministry Cohort.
If you want to dig into issues like this that we, as pastors’ wives, encounter as we lead, support and shepherd, sign up for Managing Messy Ministry Relationships. It’s full of sticky situation conversations like this one.
In the meantime, be strong and take heart. In leadership, we will always have some of those we lead who don’t understand our decisions. We will often not be able to clear our name or defend those directions. Trust in the God who judges justly to defend and guard you (1 Peter 2:23). He has you in His hand.
RESOURCES
HOW TO FIRE SOMEONE | CAREY NIEUWHOF LEADERSHIP PODCAST
HOW TO DISMISS AN EMPLOYEE FROM A CHURCH OR MINISTRY | DARREN CARLSON
