The shiny heavy metal door of an elevator starts to creep closed and I see someone coming trying to get in. I’ll “risk it” to stick my hand in the closing elevator door to re-open the door and give a stranger a chance to join us. To invite them to get on and continue their journey.
But as a pastor’s wife, I’ve caught myself tempted in recent days, with an influx of new people at church to just let the door of my heart silently close when someone new wants to “get on.”
WHY?
If I’m being honest…in the deep recesses of my heart….
- I’m wondering why they are here. (Things I don’t ask in an elevator).
- I’m wondering if they will stay. (Another thing I don’t ask in an elevator. As it turns out… ultimately… none of us are staying).
- I’m wondering if they will sharply criticize or create challenges. (Something else I don’t assume in an elevator, and I certainly wouldn’t want someone to assume of me).
I can extend grace and a welcome to strangers in an elevator but sometimes not towards those who are the newest inside my church. And therein I’ve found “heart work” that needs to be done and an invitation for spiritual growth.
If you’ve been a pastor’s wife for more than a week or two, you may have had these same heart wrestles. You may have wondered how to stop thinking suspiciously and be more open and welcoming to new people who have had the courage to come to church. (Yes… for many… it’s a very hard thing to walk through the doors of a church).
If you’ve found yourself hesitant to embrace newcomers or to open yourself to new relationships, here are some places to start:
1). Evaluate your reasoning for being suspicious or jaded. Is that “you-centered” or others centered? Kingdom-minded or you-minded? Where has your mindset taken you? There is so much you can miss if your focus has narrowed to self-protection only. Have your priorities gotten skewed? Perhaps they are hidden behind a wall of self-protection from past hurts? What is off track and needs to be re-aligned with what you know God wants for you, his beloved daughter?
If you need further care in this area, here are additional resources for you (as well as Alongside’s Emotional Health in Ministry Cohort!):
2). How could you challenge your own thinking by considering positive outcomes instead? For example, instead of immediately thinking that new people might create frustrations or problems… what if you started to wonder about the GOOD works this person might bring to the Body? What if you looked for that good – and called it out? What would that change in you and the people who are watching you or interacting with you? How would this change interactions between you and your husband? How does this process make you more like Jesus?
To be VERY clear.. this is not a trite “turn that frown upside down.” Re-wiring your thinking is HARD WORK if you’ve been burned. But challenging what is transpiring in your heart and mind (where only God can see!) is something we saw Jesus do over and over again in His time on earth. Jesus challenged the Pharisees on this! And He calls us to change our thinking too if it’s off base.
Luke 6:45b: “…for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
John 9:4: “Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?”
II Corinthians 10:5b: “…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
3). If, with eternity in mind, we see that none of us are actually “staying.” How can that perspective change my heart? What urgency can this infuse into my interactions with new people at church? Since none of us know how long we are here (only God knows that)… the time is now to show love, grace and kindness. And the opportunities to do this are endless in the broken world we live in.
When you have lenses that can see the urgency, it is easier to put down the shackles of suspicion. That is what suspicion does, it holds you back. It holds you back from fully leaning into everything God created you to be and sharing that with His people.
RESOURCES
Here are some additional resources to think about with welcoming new people in your church and interview with pastor’s wife Jen Oshman and a link to her book on this topic.
Creating a culture of welcome in your church
Ministry Wives
Welcome by Jen Oshman
