Sunday morning, 8:30 am, and I could feel myself draaaagging my feet to get ready for church. Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week. I got there at least 30 minutes early to chat with lots of people in our congregation and check in on them. But now, after coming through a tumultuous season, Sunday had flipped to become the hardest day of the week. I could spring out of bed to go to work on Monday mornings, but getting ready for church was like an internal war. Nothing in my flesh-ly self wanted to go, so I dawdled with every step of the getting ready process.
Despite my dawdling, I sensed something deeper inside me compelling me to go. It was a voice that kept saying, against all odds, I wasn’t done yet. And what seemed like a big pile of mess in church life wasn’t finished yet either. Somehow what God was doing in me and what was happening at the church were intertwined. There were days I was mad about that. There were many days that God redeeming any of it looked downright impossible. So the process of re-engaging was VERY slow…a slower pace than some wagging fingers thought would be good for me (and they told me so…which wasn’t comforting or helpful at the time).
For a season, I got to church RIGHT as the prelude was starting. Self-protection was definitely part of the equation in the early days of calculated movements on Sunday mornings. I was trying to get my feet underneath me again. Baby steps. Teeny tiny victories. I felt like an athlete on the sidelines, trying to gear up to go back on the field after an injury/recovery. The fear of re-injury was real & kept me timid.
I started challenging myself to get to church 5 minutes earlier than the previous week. Then 10 minutes earlier than the previous week. What I’ve discovered in those teeny “just for me” challenges is…opening myself up again and re-engaging has a surprising amount of beauty in it. Muscle building in it. I never thought a beautiful tulip could come up through what I perceived as a block of cement….but it WAS possible with God.
HOW do we re-engage after hurt?…here’s some ideas to strategically build in support for yourself:
Ask for somebody to be praying for you specifically on Sunday mornings as you try to re-engage.
Because you are the pastor’s wife, people likely view you as rock solid and won’t ask. I’ve actually put asking for prayer support in my Google calendar at times so I won’t forget. If you can’t think of anyone to ask (and I have been there!)…please contact us at Alongside. We have a prayer team who would love to pray you through re-engaging.
Re-engage gently. Rather than give in to the temptation to skip church all together, adjust your expectations of what church looks like for you during this season.
Instead of sitting in the front row, maybe you sit in the back for a time. Instead of being up front, leading worship, you find a less visible way to engage. Limiting your visibility and the potential of becoming a distraction is not just gracious to yourself. It is loving to your community.
Set up an accountability partner.
Find someone to celebrate the teeny victories with and help keep you accountable in going back in & re-engaging. It’s really hard to do this alone. It will take work to set up these accountability meetings (either in person or over Zoom) but it is worth the work. Otherwise, it’s easier to wriggle out of getting up & trying again.
Do some “meal ministry” for yourself.
Because going back in on Sundays can be really intimidating after a season of hurt…prep something on Saturday so when you get home from church after an internally hard fought Sunday morning..there’s a meal there waiting. And when I say a meal..I specifically mean one that delights you (you know what that is for you..whether you make it or buy it ahead of time). We’re often quick to do meal ministry for a lot of other people, but there are crucial moments you need to do it for you.
WHY should we re-engage?…here’s some things to think on:
- The love of Christ compels us (2 Corinthians 5:14-15) That deeper voice I heard & knew when I was dragging my feet? It is a Savior who gave everything up for me. That’s powerful in thinking through the “why” of re-engaging. That same Savior has given me an important assignment.
- You may be surprised at how re-engaging reconnects you. Opening myself up to people’s stories again has connected me with the congregation and…interestingly enough…helped connect me anew with my husband (who has a deep God-given love for these sheep…even the sheep who bite..which.. (perspective) I am one of too).
- You’ve got one shot at this life. No do-overs. (Psalm 90). There are people who need exactly who God has made you to be. There are people you may see who others don’t. Your presence is important..despite what the enemy may have whispered in your ear.
When you’ve been hurt, it may be the most difficult assignment to even think about re-engaging. But I can promise you it is worth the hard work it takes to do so. No one else can speak into this group of people or relate with them like you can.
RESOURCES:
Here are some additional resources to help you dig further into this topic. We know you are facing choices in how and when you re-engage and hope these will give additional insight.
WHEN BEING A PASTOR’S WIFE HURTS
ACTS29.COM | Katie Ritchie
WHEN GOD’S WOMAN WANTS TO GIVE UP
DIANE NIX
