We’ve all seen casualties of war. The children left without families. The soldier coming home but who is never quite the same, struggling with re-engaging with the life she left behind. And then the ones who never come home. The enemy struck a blow they couldn’t recover from and it took them out. These are casualties of war and we grieve their permanence.
But there are casualties of ministry too. These might look like the pastor who leaves the ministry because he believes he’s been disqualified by his failure to resurrect a dying church. Or the pastor’s wife that has pulled away from relationships in her church because she’s been burned too many times to trust again. These casualties are as real as those of war – but are often unrecognized because they remain the walking wounded. But there’s hope. Casualties of ministry are preventable and reversible – but only when we pay attention to the symptoms.
I just ran into Shannon at Target. She was a key leader and a good friend that decided to leave our church because she didn’t agree with a decision we’d made. I ducked into the cereal aisle. Ouch, that still stings.
We’re in a leadership meeting. My stomach is tightening up and my heart is beating fast. I know that the infidelity issue we had to deal with on our team is years in the rearview mirror. But this conversation is bringing it all back up – the dumpster fire and carnage that we had to clean up. Why does this feel so fresh?
It seems like worship as usual on a Sunday morning until it’s not. I feel hot tears on my cheeks and hope no-one notices. What is it that is surfacing, uninvited? This is not the time.
These emotions that we so often dismiss or push down as inconvenient at best and scary at their worst are the very signposts that God can use to call attention to something He wants to heal.
We are often tempted by the urgency and fast pace of ministry life to move from one crisis to another, leaving the processing, healing and reflection on the pain we’ve endured during those crises for another day, at some undesignated time in the future. Problem is, that day never comes and we carry those experiences and pain as rocks in our backpacks that weigh us down and affect how we show up in the next crisis or relationship.
But it doesn’t have to be this way! There are some simple (but not necessarily easy) steps that we can take to make sure we are stewarding the heart that God blessed us with, healing while we are walking, and allowing God to work “in all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
These are deep waters and we are just going to do a “splash-and-go” fly by to give you an overview. If you want to dive deeper into this, consider joining one of our Emotional Health in Ministry Cohorts.
Why is managing our hearts crucial when we’re in ministry?
It’s not just to avoid burnout. It’s because we have a front row seat to people in pain. When we don’t allow space and take the steps to heal, infection results causing bitterness, anger and resentment. And it doesn’t just damage our hearts on the inside, we carry it in our bodies and into our relationships. We are in a crucial place that requires intentional tending. This is why God’s Word tells us to tend or guard our hearts.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Prov. 4:23 (NIV)
3 KEYS TO MANAGING YOUR HEART:
There are two keys to managing my own heart in difficult ministry spaces: God-awareness and self-awareness. Of course, our awareness of what God is doing is most important but sometimes He uses our present conditions to call attention to what He is up to. And this takes being intentionally self-aware on our part. We need to: UNDERSTAND THE ROLE OF YOUR OWN STORY, UNDERSTAND YOUR GIFTEDNESS, AND UNDERSTAND YOUR BROKENNESS.
UNDERSTAND THE ROLE OF YOUR OWN STORY
The hard parts of our story can be either an asset or a hindrance. They are an asset if they’ve been reflected upon and the Holy Spirit has brought wisdom, clarity and healing. They are a hindrance if they are unprocessed, ignored, shoved down and denied. But either way, they are an invitation for growth.
It was an early, frigid, February morning and I was driving to church to practice with our worship team. I saw an elderly man sitting on a bench in nothing but hospital scrubs. I was afraid he would freeze so I stopped my truck, helped this man put on an oversized sweatshirt I had with me, and got himself into my truck. (OK, ignore the red flags or the “lack of boundaries” because that’s not what this story is about). When I was helping him with the sweatshirt, I felt tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t keep from sobbing. WIth a deep sigh, I realized I had not allowed myself space to heal. Just a month before, I had spent the last season of life with my father-in -law and helped him to die in his home. We had just finished the funeral and came back home to Colorado a week before. There had been no space for grieving. It was unprocessed and it was coming out now.Would it have changed how I showed up with that old man that reminded me of this loss that was so fresh? No. But those tears reminded me that I needed to create some space to grieve, whether that’s through intentional conversations, long walks or just allowing myself to cry on the bus bench with a stranger. It couldn’t be “business as usual.” Just recognizing that we’ve encountered pain is often the first step to healing. But we’re pretty good at maintaining the “I’m fine” veneer and denying when we’ve burned ourselves with the curling iron.
A tool that has helped me to understand the role of my own story is this MINISTRY LIFE INVENTORY. This will help you take stock of what you’ve been through and see what affects it may have on your present and future ministry life.
UNDERSTAND YOUR GIFTEDNESS
I am better able to manage my heart, the ways it is strengthened and the ways it is injured if I understand how God made me. What strengths do I bring to ministry? Are there aspects of my personality that God uses for Kingdom advancement? What passions drive me to make sacrifices for Jesus’ sake?
UNDERSTAND YOUR BROKENNESS
Understanding my brokenness means understanding the places where my own sin or the spaces where Jesus is still working on me drive me to lead or respond to others in an unhealthy way. I might lead or respond to others to get my own needs met, to cover something up or to gain something I think I need. This brokenness can often be the shadow side of a strength.
Once I’ve invited the Holy Spirit to show me these facets of who I am, I am often better able to see how some current situation is causing emotions to surface and I’m able to understand them and decide how loud their voice should be in my life.
When I’m in a tricky or painful ministry situation, maybe it’s a hard conversation, and I notice these emotions show up – uninvited. I’ve got a choice to make. I can ignore them, shove them down and hope they go away. I can give voice to them in the moment, not sure of how they will show up. Or I can notice the emotions, acknowledge them to the Lord, and return to them when I’m in a space where God and I can work through them. If I choose the latter, instead of feeling irritation, shame or overwhelmed, I recognize the emotion, that stinging, as a place that Christ can touch and heal in me. In a conversation, I might notice the feeling and jot it down so that it is a concrete reminder to come back to it. And then I need to practice the discipline of coming back to it with the Lord and inviting Him in to reveal the root of the stinging and begin to heal it.
Sometimes this returning is helpful to do with someone you trust, someone who displays wisdom and discernment. Someone who can help you see where God might be moving to bring healing.
Here are some helpful questions to bring to the Lord in prayer, to journal about or talk through with a trusted friend:
What was the most difficult part of that conversation (interaction, event, circumstance)?
This question helps us put words to what has happened, to tell the story
What emotions did you feel coming to the surface?
This question helps us put words to our emotions.
Why do you think these emotions surfaced? Was there a connection to a previous unhealed wound?
God is committed to restoring your soul. He says that in His Word. He doesn’t want you to carry the weight of rocks in your backpack or show up as the walking wounded. He has better for you. But it may take the effort of intentionally stopping at a bench along the trail, taking a drink and inviting Him in to unpack that backpack in order to discover the healing only He can bring. Have courage to allow Him the space to do that, dear friend.
