The phone rang last night at 11:00 pm and it was our assistant pastor calling. My husband answered it while I thought to myself, “Well, THIS can’t be good!” NOBODY calls the lead pastor after 6 pm for a GOOD reason or to just ask how things are going. My mind began racing to what had happened and where my husband might have to go at this hour.
When my husband hung up the phone I looked at him and said, “So..what’s up?” I could tell he didn’t want to go into it. I wondered if he had to go to the hospital. No. I wondered if someone was in trouble. He was quiet. I was about to press for more information and he looked at me and said, “Do you REALLY want to know?” And here was the pivot in this conversation (that has taken us so many years to get to)…
“Do you think it would be good for me to know/Would knowing help me support you better?”
“No..”
“Then I trust you…don’t tell me.”
And I left it at that.
How did we get to this place of trust on this subject? By stepping through a LOT of prickly weeds, rocky terrain and big mistakes through the years. And to be really honest…years of me demanding information that ultimately, I didn’t need to know.
What I’ve learned through the years as a pastor’s wife is I do not need or want to know everything that is going on behind the scenes at church for some really good reasons. Though there are varying opinions on this subject (and there’s no right or wrong answer!) here are some “think points” I’ve found:
- Personal Attacks. If someone has torn my husband apart in a private conversation with him, that is going to be hard for me to process. It will be harder for me to worship with this person on Sundays, so I would rather not know. My husband has pastor friends outside our church he can go to with these things so he isn’t bearing them alone.
- Sickness/Death/Crisis. If someone is sick or in the hospital, as someone with high empathy, it is in my very core & giftedness to want to follow up/check on this person and the surrounding family. This I want to know.
- Church Business/Organizational Decisions. If church business is discussed in an elders’ meeting that they agreed to keep just in that room, then I respect that confidentiality and do not press for that information to honor ethics. The same is true with individuals my husband may be counseling.
- Changes. If there are big changes/church business for which I am likely going to field questions due to my role, then having a heads-up so I can prepare would really help me.
- Polarizing Issues. I recognize and own that I’m an opinionated person. So if sharing something with me about church business will polarize us at home, then I TRULY would rather not know.
So how do YOU come up with your set of guidelines on what you, as a pastor’s wife should know or not know about church business? How do you and your husband figure this out?
1). Put your marriage as a priority in this conversation. What are things connected with church that you already know can ignite fights at home? Filter what you know or don’t know with this in mind. I promise it is not worth the fight at home over knowing a piece of church business that you could have let pass by. Life is so short, sisters. Don’t waste precious time. Be wise. You have an enemy who would love to see the topic of church divide you at home. That one strategic enemy move puts a lot of other things at risk.
2). Own what you need to own about your personality before you take on church business information. Are you good at active listening with no advice-giving? Are you quick to give your opinion? Can you hold a confidence well? Are you tempted to tell him how to do his job or other church staff how to do their jobs? Will you hold what he tells you against someone at your church? If you know about a need, can you take that piece of information without overdoing (trying to be everything to everybody?) Think through these things before you ask for information.
3). Think through what your role requires in your unique situation. It is ok to ask for information that will help support you in your role. This is different in every church. There are times we get no notice for what questions or comments we have to field in the church lobby. When there is an opportunity TO prepare ahead of time, be wise and take it. You know what this is in your situation. Prepping ahead of time (where you can) helps build confidence as you continue to walk out what God has called you to. If you are on staff, this may change the information that you need from him or need to share.
4). Take it to your Heavenly Father who is the omniscient Alpha and Omega. He’s seen it all. And He’s trusted YOU with it. This is a VERY tricky part of pastor’s wife life. With humility, admit you don’t have the answers on this and need His help to best navigate it. Ask the Lord: What is best for my marriage with this?
What is best for my relationships with my congregation members with this?
What is best for me with this?
5). How we walk this changes over time. As we become more like Jesus, we are able to carry heavier things and we carry them in a more Godly way. We are more discerning and less likely to allow emotions to drive the train. We’ve also established trust that allows us each to depend on the other to respond well. Early in the game, we aren’t there yet.
The God who knows everything is calling us to trust Him. He’s calling us to walk with God-confidence when the road isn’t visible and when we don’t have the information we want to have in order to be in control. This is what trust is all about. So, talk with your Lord specifically and ask Him to show you where you need to relinquish control and the “need to know” and where He is calling you to shoulder some of the weight by knowing. How we navigate the “need to know” versus our “willingness to know” reveals our heart posture and willingness to serve however God is calling us to, in that moment. May our hearts be humble and full of faith.
RESOURCES:
I found this recent YouTube discussion to be very thought provoking..without giving “right” or “wrong” answers. This had the perspective that each marriage and situation is unique while offering some general principles to help ministry couples think this topic through.
HOW MUCH CAN A PASTOR SHARE WITH HIS WIFE? | PASTOR WELL – EP.110
