A few weeks ago, I found myself circling back to some familiar territory that I visit a couple times a year, most often against my will. I hate this place. It’s like finding your home invaded by strangers and your clothes on the front porch. As a pastor’s wife, when I’m in this heart space, each time I walk into my church, feelings of “foreignness”, of “I don’t belong here” and “I am invisible” push out contentment. Most of the time, I’m able to see the spaces God has created for me over the years, where I can see Him moving through me. But now, I find myself stuck in this place, again, of having to wrestle against feelings that I hate seeing in myself. Feelings that have me focusing on myself, my value, what I bring to the table and how I am seen. An awful lot of “I’s”.
Sometimes this focus on “I” is what gets in the way of my being grateful. It gets in the way of recognizing His glory on display in these spaces around me. The places that are so up close and personal, in the lives of the hurting that God has brought to my doorstep. But in these moments of feeling like a foreigner, I don’t think that working harder to stuff those feelings down, so that I can’t see or feel them, is the answer. In these times, I need the Lord to help me see differently how He is moving around me.
Tonight, I find myself in a totally different heart-space.
The night sky opens up like a comfy velvet blanket surrounding me. The quiet calms my heart and slows my pulse. The day is done and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. I’ve gotten to spend the last few days with our team of Alongside Coaches, digging into hard conversations, like how we heal from ministry pain and the process of forgiveness when God’s people are involved.
But right now, in this moment, I’m not thinking about the hard pieces that come with being a pastor’s wife. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude because I’ve gotten to see God’s hand at work in so many womens’ lives. Some have been able to stay on this road of ministry because they’ve been thrown a lifeline. I am struck with the privilege it is to be in this seat. Who am I, that I should get to see such wonderful things?
We take our team to a camp in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, where the stars come out in full force- the Milky Way stretching its arms across the sky in preparation for a clapping round of applause.
“The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.”
Psalm 19:1
Yes, Lord. I’m reminded of your glory and so thankful that I get to see it on full display in the lives of those You’ve brought into my circle to care for and lead.
I’m reminded that the stars are here as a reminder of His glory. The glory that is so often on display around me in the lives that are being transformed, the ministries that are bringing hope, and the families that are being healed that we are involved with everyday.
I have a gal in my life, a single mom of three, that is always in crisis. I’ve been discipling her, on and off, for about twenty-five years, since she was in high school. How many tears have I shed with the Lord over her heartaches over the years? Some of her crises happen as a result of her choices, some because those choices have created such a complex life that is full of landmines, and others happen just because she lives in a fallen world. When I get her emergency texts, sometimes they bring an eye roll instead of thankfulness. I’m working to focus on the ways that she isn’t struggling with the same issues she was ten years ago, on the ways that she has surrendered her life to Jesus, in all its messiness.
Back to the stars. Just because I live in Denver doesn’t mean I get to see these stars in all their splendor every night. Sometimes, I miss them – just like I miss recognizing God’s hand moving around me.
Here are some reasons I miss recognizing God’s glory and don’t practice gratitude. Then we’ll look at some ways to allow recognizing God’s glory and declaring His handiwork to be something that comes out of us naturally, because it is what has our focus. Because God uses the Heavens, the stars and the expanse of the universe to help us understand, I will too.
WHY WE MISS GRATITUDE
There’s too much light pollution.
As Pastors’ wives, we have our hands in so many different buckets. God has given us marching orders and we are carrying out His call to represent Him to a watching world in so many different arenas. But God may not be moving in all of them in this moment. Now, many of the light pollution producers, like street lights, aren’t bad things. They provide light where it’s needed to bring safety and direction.
But they make it hard to see the stars sometimes.
For me, this means that I need to intentionally ask the Lord to show me where He is moving. Where are the real stars that I need to notice? Then I can intentionally watch for them, His handiwork, to come out in the lives and the ministries around me. It’s only then that I can give them attention, call them out and celebrate their presence.
Sometimes I need a telescope to appreciate the stars more fully.
A telescope collects light and focuses it so that the image is brighter and closer than it appears in the sky. It doesn’t manufacture light or create an image – it just brings into focus what is already there. When we use a telescope, we are able to see things that are too far for us to see with our naked eye. We are also able to separate and differentiate one star in a group of stars that might just look like a cloud of dim light without it.
God has shown me what my telescopes are, the things that are crucial in helping me to grab ahold of what He is doing, even when it seems dim. They help bring into focus where God is moving to draw people closer to Himself, to show me my next steps in difficult decisions, and to bring us as His people into closer alignment with the things that are heavy on His heart. My telescopes also help me to focus my attention and energy on where He is already moving, in a background of good things that are bringing Him glory and His Kingdom here on earth. In my life, my telescopes are most often a few special people.
Noticing God’s glory in the Heavens requires stopping, paying attention and giving energy to celebrating.
This might require changing our pace or our perspective. When I am able to press pause in my schedule, if even just for a short walk, that change of pace makes it easier to focus on the thing that should be grabbing my gaze. My husband, Craig, can often be seen walking around our church campus just to refocus his gaze on where God is moving when things are getting foggy.
As a PW, we have a perspective, a vantage point that allows us to see a landscape that few others can see. This is a beautiful site and an intense privilege when God is moving and His hand is obvious. But it is soul-crushingly hard and can be bleak when God’s hand is hidden and tough to see. So it’s super-important to be able to change our landscape, or our perspective, once in awhile, allowing us to see beyond the fog and focus on the few bright points of light where God’s moving is undeniable. And then when He gives us a glimpse of that – we must stop to celebrate it. For me, physically changing my landscape is really helpful. That’s why adventure, exploring and discovery are such important parts of my life. What is it for you that allows you to see the space God has called you to with fresh eyes?
CONSECRATED CONVERSATION
When I realized I needed to change my perspective and get some tools to fix my gratitude issues, it had to start with a conversation with the Lord. Let these questions and prompts guide you to a heart posture change that will allow the Lord to form in you a woman who is grateful.
Lord, show me where You are moving
- in a ministry that I’m pouring into.
- in individual lives
- in bringing unity, direction, power to overcome obstacles, healing…
Lord, what would you have me do to remove some of the “light pollution” in this moment, so that I can see where you are moving more clearly?
What are things You’ve assigned to me – but where you aren’t necessarily moving?
Am I still thankful for them and faithful in them?
Could it be that you are moving in some of these spaces, I just don’t have the eyes (or tools) to see it?
Lord, show me a telescope. A tool that you’ve provided to help me focus on the places you are moving so that I can get on board and celebrate them?
- People?
- What else?
FINDING YOUR TELESCOPE PEOPLE
This is often the hardest part of being a pastor’s wife – finding even one person that is trustworthy, safe, and has the chops to share the weight of what I carry. Here are some tips that might spur your creativity – and maybe help you see where God has already provided someone.
- Retired ministry women – maybe they were missionaries, pastors’ wives, on staff at a church, whatever. These women understand some of the complexities of your seat and will be able to help you see where God is moving in the midst of the snowstorm.
- A Pastor’s Wife from another local church – she’ll understand you and be accessible. The downside of this is that we still haven’t overcome the competition thing in many communities, so those relationships are often difficult. Reach out to a few and see if God has gone ahead of you.
- A Pastor’s Wife from an Alongside Cohort – when someone shares their perspective during a conversation and everything in you screams “YES! Me too!” Reach out. Text them. You can take a walk together – even from separate ends of the continent – and share a rich conversation. I schedule these several mornings a week.
We also have another resource developed specifically around finding friends as a Pastor’s Wife
Lord, make me into a woman of gratitude. One that celebrates from the deep parts of her soul, the great things you are doing in the world around me. Who am I, that I should get to see such a sight?
Oh, by the way, are you wondering about how I got out of that well-word valley of feeling like a foreigner, where no one sees me and I’ve nothing of value to bring to the table? Well, this time the Lord reminded me that He has His loving eye on me by changing up my surroundings. For me, that meant that for three weeks in a row I got to sub in for missing vocalists in several of our worship teams on our other campuses. It was enough to get my eyes off myself and to refocus on the privilege of getting to be a part of what God is doing around me. He moved me out of my pity party and into a new place of serving, away from the familiar that was feeling so foreign, to refresh my perspective.
