Hosting with Wisdom: Boundaries and Compassion When Helping Others in Crisis

It was early May and we could see the end of school in sight. The weather was warming up and the kids were ready to get outside and enjoy the coming summer.

When Craig came through the door, the look on his face told me he had something really important to talk to me about and I needed to brace myself.

“I just ran into the ‘Jones” family at the grocery store. Did you know he just lost his job? And she just delivered their fourth kid, two weeks ago…” I knew there was more.

“He said they just lost the lease on their apartment and are living in a tent at a campground – and have been for about a week, since she got out of the hospital.” Ahhh, now I could see where this was going.

As I began to nod, Craig said, “I offered them our basement. They are packing up the campsite right now.”

We’d just started the finishing touches on our basement. It had two bedrooms that were done but the kitchen, bathroom and the rest of it were still just studs or bare drywall. But they were welcome to what we had. This was why we’d bought the house in the first place. We were blessed to be a blessing. This was a no-brainer.

As we sat down to dinner that night, we asked about the baby, about sleep, about how everyone was doing with all the change. They asked us about homeschooling, as they were just starting the journey that we were close to finishing. We didn’t know how to ask about their future plans, so we didn’t. But I got a clue when the mom said, “I’m so excited to see how you do homeschooling when we start in September.”

They envisioned themselves still being in our basement five months from now.

We needed to figure out how to have some hard, clear, honest conversations – and quickly.

We’d had many people live with us before, but they were always students or interns, where there was a clear end date. I’d figured out how to divide chores so that they were carrying some of the load and could grow in responsibility. We’d figured out how to talk to teenagers and 20-somethings about expectations, but these were adults. This experience, blended with others, has taught us some pretty crucial lessons. Please let us pay the “dumb tax” for you and save you some heartache as you navigate these tricky waters as a ministry family.

First, let’s talk about some principles that we had to wrestle with in order to grow in wisdom in this area.

Principle #1: Compassion cannot drive the bus

Especially as a high empathy person who wants to get rid of people’s pain, I cannot allow my compassion to override wisdom. Even Jesus, who was more compassionate than I ever will be, had times when he put a guardrail or boundary on what He allowed Himself to give. Think about the times when he left some unhealed (The Pool at Bethesda Jn 5:2-9 or the crowd in Mk 1:32-38).

Sometimes, our compassion can compromise wisdom. It can put us in situations where our influence can be jeopardized.

Principle #2: Love first. Lead second. But always do both.

This means having the hard conversations BEFORE they move in. This means that YOU have to initiate it. They won’t bring up issues like an exit strategy or the sharing of facilities. Establishing expectations early on can derail a whole lot of future conflict. It may be awkward, but it’s worth it. This is definitely a situation where being clear IS being kind.

Establish what they can expect and what they can’t. What needs are you able/willing to fill? What needs are you not? We’ve had someone live with us that, in spite of clearly established boundaries, wanted to “hang out” with us at random times after work. This doesn’t work with the level of leadership weight my husband has to carry right now. She wanted us to be her “family”. This wasn’t a need we were able to fill. And she wasn’t Ok with that. So we had to be clearer with our boundaries and consequences and ultimately had to ask her to leave.

Principle #3: God will not call you into a situation that will compromise your Kingdom-influence.

You have been given a sacred trust that must be guarded with all vigilance. Be careful with having singles come live with you. Having them in the home when both of you aren’t there is super-tricky and can really mess with our call to be “above reproach” to the neighbors who are watching. We also can never be sure about people’s mental stability. There is a reason that this person is in crisis. Sometimes it is out of their control. But sometimes it is a result of their poor decisions, instability, or mental illness. Be careful of trusting the ministry God has given you and your reputation to someone who hasn’t earned that trust.

I’ve learned recently how God has called me to depend on His Body to help me exercise wisdom. Before inviting someone to use our apartment (or extra bedroom), I’ve sought out other leaders that have worked more closely with this person. Have they given you any reason to think they might be dangerous to us, to our family or to our ministry? What cautions do you have? Are there other options for their housing that we haven’t explored?

Now hear me, I am committed to loving radically…uncomfortably. I’ve held an addict’s head in my lap and sang over her all night as she detoxed. We’ve had a domestic abuse victim and her children find safe shelter in our home while she found her next steps. We’ve had several people in crisis live in the basement while they figure out what’s next. I saw God work in each of those situations and don’t regret doing it. But I do have regrets about HOW we did them sometimes. Most of my regrets and lessons I’ve learned the hard way are around the communication before and during our guest’s stay. This means communication between my husband and I to make sure we’re on the same page. Communication with others involved in this person’s/family’s care. And finally communication with the person or family so that there are no hidden expectations on either side. Sometimes I’ve shied away from these hard conversations because I think it’s being “too direct” or “not warmly hospitable” or “not loving lavishly.” I always regret choosing to water down or sidestep an issue thinking I’m being kind. The opposite is true. Being clear IS being kind.

It’s easy to find ourselves several weeks/months into a living arrangement where there’s hurt feelings and misunderstandings because we came into it with different expectations that weren’t voiced. Having a simple, straightforward conversation can short circuit many of them.

Here are some issues that we’ve discovered need to be talked about, with clear communication of expectations surrounding someone coming to live in your home.

Issue #1 – Expectations

What are your expectations as you come into our home to live?

Physically? (do they expect to pay rent? Utilities? Food?
Relationally? (do they expect to have any increased access to you than they already have?)
- What relational needs are they hoping you will fill? We’ve had people move in with us, expecting to become a part of our family during seasons when our family has needed its space to navigate its own challenges.
- Do they expect to hang out with you after work? What about when only one of you is home? Be very careful of this.

What about access to facilities that you share?
- Laundry?
- Kitchen?
- Parking?
- Living area?

Issue #2 – Witness

Communicate the value of your witness to your neighbors. What does this mean? Explain how you and your family have determined to do this well and how you do it.

How do we expect you to contribute to our Kingdom witness to our neighbors? Practical ways?
Why is this important?

We’ve had our guests be rude and have conflict with our non-believing neighbors, requiring us to do alot of repair afterwards. This is especially tough when you have a guest that isn’t in a great place emotionally or lacks the maturity to understand what behavior is acceptable and helpful and what is not.

Issue #3 – Exit Strategy

This is the hardest one for me to talk about because I’ve believed the lie that says that truly loving someone means offering them endless access to free housing. That’s not true. In fact, often it’s straight up enabling them to become dependent and not experience the freedom God has for them. So have courage and lead the conversation. Give everyone some language to discuss this when emotions aren’t elevated. Here are some questions to help:

What is your plan for finding a permanent solution for your housing?

What is your timeline?
Let’s come up with a “check-in plan” together so that I can ask you about it and not be perceived as nagging.
Why this is important
- We aren’t loving people well if we set up circumstances for them to become dependent on us. Scripture is clear about the value of work and responsibility (see 2 Thess 3:10) and its connection to food (shelter and other necessities by implication). We become a coach in this scenario and have a responsibility to help them take the next steps of independence.

But what if you are reading this and thinking, “have someone LIVE with you? Are you joking? That feels like the most ‘unsafe’ situation we could put ourselves in. What if they take advantage of you? What if they steal from you? What if they treat you badly when all you were trying to do was help?”

Yep. Those are very real risks – the risks we take when we love generously, when we do what seems foolish in the world’s eyes in order to obey the call of Jesus to love the least of these. But fear can’t be allowed to deny us the privilege of loving sacrificially, in giving up the comfortable refuge of our home to open it to someone in need. Will it hurt? Probably. WIll it be messy? Most definitely. But will God use your humble obedience to bring you closer to Himself and minister to someone who desperately needs it? Absolutely.

So take a baby step. Maybe your next step of obedience in this area isn’t inviting a homeless family in. Maybe it’s having a missionary stay for the weekend while they are speaking at your church? Maybe it’s allowing a student to live in a spare room for a semester? We live in a culture that is yelling about building higher walls, safer boundaries, protecting your story. But Jesus is calling us to love radically, even when it’s really uncomfortable. Maybe this is part of what He is calling you to. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe years from now. When He calls, I pray we’d say “Yes, I’ll do it,” even when it means suffering and some hardship. I pray we’d not shrink back in fear, but walk forward in obedience with wisdom to navigate complicated and messy situations and conversations, listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit as He guides.

…and whatever happened to the family with the little kids? I hear from them every now and then, usually around Christmas, usually from a different state than the last time. I’d love to say they settled down and found some footing, but I don’t know if they have. But that’s not really the point. We did what Jesus asked us to do. We were faithful. He gets to handle the rest.