You are a pastor’s wife and your heart’s desire is to be IN the lives of the members of your congregation. If you’ve been in ministry life for any amount of time, you know this can be challenging. Why? Because oftentimes, congregation members don’t think to invite you…to their gatherings, parties or holidays. Over the years I have learned that this is not an intentional thing to keep you out. They may assume you are too busy, disinterested, or have concerns that your presence means they better be on their best behavior. Though you may not have any intention of being intimidating…people may perceive you that way because of who you are married to.
Years ago, as my husband was nearing the final interview stage at the church where we are currently, I had the opportunity to ask the pastoral search committee this question:
“What does this church look like for you Monday-Saturday?”
Why did I ask this? I wanted to know how church played out in the lives of this group of people throughout the week. This mattered to me then and it still does…10 years later. How are we, as a congregation, in each other’s lives beyond an hour on Sunday? As a pastor’s wife, you’re not always the first person people think to invite to events, or at times, you’re over-invited out of obligation. Either way, it can leave you feeling like you exist just outside the edges of true community.
You have choices when this challenge presents itself…one is to be resentful, bitter and give up…OR start praying, listening and getting creative about ways to be actively involved in the lives of your congregation. I believe some deeper spiritual growth/faith walk happens when you don’t give up on this. Inwardly pivoting to lean in instead of away is a choice down deep in the heart…where only God can see.
How then can I be in the lives of my congregation if my husband and I are rarely invited to things?
Here are 3 ideas:
1). Try to get to church early enough to have unrushed conversations with people.
You know what this time frame is in the life of your church. It’s in conversations and in asking questions that you can feel the pulse of what is happening in the lives of people. This helps you gather information…who might need a visit, a meal, or a text at an opportune time.
2). Look ahead if your church has an e-mail newsletter.
I’m not part of church staff meetings, so I’m not privy to all the details of upcoming events (even though people think I know all of these!).https://alongsideministrywives.com/living-in-the-shadows-feeling-unseen-in-ministry-as-a-pastors-wife/ I try to respect my husband’s desire for balance in not spending all our time at home discussing church. So, I read our church newsletter for myself, looking for spaces where I can help. Then I contact the staff leads for details and plug those events in my calendar.
I’m an extrovert by nature, so greeting is a fun place for me to be. This year I found spaces to greet at VBS and at our kids’ music camp too. These are opportunities for conversations with volunteers, parents and kids. By information I got in the newsletter, I figured out that help was going to be needed to organize VBS t-shirts (even though that wasn’t specifically said). I tell you this to encourage you to LOOK for what others may not see or perceive, ASK questions, LISTEN to needs, then ACT. God is in this as you listen to His leading! I gathered a small team ahead of VBS. We had a blast chatting, laughing and organizing t-shirts together. This helped registration run much more smoothly and helped me get to know two ladies better.
3). Get kids’ sports or concert schedules from parents in advance and try to attend a few.
Parents and kids both seem delighted that we’d take time to attend their games or concerts. They may not think to invite us to these things. Asking for their schedules in advance silently communicates that we care about what they care about…that we WANT to be involved in their lives. Attending these events provides means for ongoing conversation the next time you see parents or kids. We start gathering sports and concert schedules in August for the fall season and in early January for winter sports and concerts. To keep good boundaries, we try to limit one event per kid per season to make sure we can try to get to a bunch. This has worked well for us for multiple years so we don’t feel burned out by it…it stays fun.
I Thessalonians 2:8 says,
“..so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God but our very lives as well.”
Do you have ideas on how you stay involved in the lives of your congregation members? We would love to hear them and publish them in a future e-mail! We need each other in this journey and we at Alongside are glad you are here to link arms with us as we go onward.
RESOURCES:
These resources may give some further ideas/insight on how to be involved in the lives of your congregation members and how to navigate the feelings of loneliness that can emerge as you walk this road.
