Julie Lynn: It was a Saturday morning in December, and my husband hadn’t even finished with the funeral he was officiating when we got word that a second member of the church had died. I was one of the few that knew.
I made my way to the house of this newly widowed lady. I hugged her and told her Doug (her pastor) would be there as soon as he could. And then I just listened…to whatever she was feeling both in the moment and the lifetime she’d spent with her husband of 60+ years. There would be a time for planning a funeral, picking music, order of service…but it wasn’t this moment.
As pastor’s wives, there are times we wind up first on the scene, first in the room, first at the ER. We have to face the harsh separation that death brings…leaving a jagged puzzle piece on this side of heaven. I’ve found the very best gift I can give in these moments is presence. This is not a moment for fixing or preaching…it’s more a moment for holding.
- Holding what’s in their heart in yours – Ask how they are holding up and not judging the answer they give you.
- Holding their hand or holding their gaze – Being all in as you listen. If you have a buzzing watch..this would be the time to take it off and put it away.
- Holding their story as valuable – Actively listening and thinking through ripple effects to what they have lost.
- Holding what they’ve lost as monumental – Reflecting this significant impact in your non-verbals…the expression on your face. They are about to re-enter a world that will move on fast and expect them to “get over it.” This will likely add additional pain and loneliness. Keep this in mind as you interact with them.
It’s a privilege. It’s in these crucial moments that I have the most clarity on why God asked me to take on this role so many years ago. I got invited to this very sacred ground..where few others can go. And I’m grateful that God would trust me with one of his kids in this way..for some of the deepest pain they may feel in their time on earth.
So..what are some things to think about when you find yourself first on the scene like this?
Coletta: Before we can connect, we need to bring calm. When you or your husband enter the room, you represent God’s Church. There is an assumption that you will bring help to this situation that is out of control. In reality, there is little we can do to take away the pain that they are feeling in this moment. But we can calm some of the chaos.
Here’s an acronym I made up that helps me manage my own heart when I’m walking into a recent death situation:
C – Connect by introducing yourself.
They might not connect who you are out of the context of church or without your spouse (especially when people are in crisis). Be aware that they are likely in shock, so you need to address that with what you bring (for more on addressing shock, here’s a good article.
A – Acknowledge what’s happened.
Share their sorry by simply saying, “I’m so sorry” or “I’m sorry for this pain.” Asking the question, “Do you want to talk about what has happened?” is a good way to assess whether they are ready to talk. Kenneth Haugk, in his book “Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart: how to relate to those who are suffering”
says that “hurting people usually want to talk about their life situations. They will seize the opportunity to do so when given the chance.” Your goal is to get them talking about what is concerning them at that moment.
Expect that the person experiencing this devastating loss will act with randomness, unpredictability and may have a wide spectrum of emotions. In those moments, our dependance on the Holy Spirit will help us discern how to respond.
L – Listen.
This seems so obvious. Yet I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the room with someone suffering and find myself so uncomfortable that I search around for wise words or suggestions to “fix” the pain. I cannot fix the pain. The best I can do is provide a kind, patient place for them to give their pain words. This brings it out of the solitude of their heart into the light and is a needed step in the healing process. Sometimes a question from you is appropriate. Other times silence is the space they need to discern the next words. So make space for both. Haugk also suggests following their lead. This means reserving words like, “they lived a full life” or “at least they are in a better place” for after the suffering person has made that conclusion. For more on this, see Chapter 5 in his book or this resource from our website:
M – Manage expectations.
This may sound a little cold, but it is actually really loving. Ask them about their support system: family, friends, anyone coming into town. You want to find out who they will be able to depend on immediately. Many times, our congregants may expect me or my husband to be the source of support for them to get through the crisis. And sometimes we can be. But setting that up as the expectation is not healthy or good for the body. Instead, get in the habit of bringing someone else into the relationship. Connect them to real and ongoing care. That might be another leader or someone that has a heart for those dealing with grief. Eventually, connecting them with a group like GriefShare https://www.griefshare.org/ or something similar at your church is helpful.
THE PRACTICALS
Whenever I’m faced with a death in our congregation, I end up asking myself the same question. “How close is God calling me to be?” I realize I can’t be the point person for every death, but there are some that God calls me to walk more closely with. This isn’t favoritism. It is following the leading of the Holy Spirit according to the needs of the moment. Always assuming that I am the best person to walk with them makes me insert myself in situations where I might NOT be the best. But I am more likely to assume that there are others better suited, having a closer relationship or more to offer. So I am most likely to hesitate and assume someone else is there. I’ve realized that this is a big mistake. Because of our role in their life, as their pastor and pastor’s wife, our people look to us for comfort and stability in the midst of chaos. Our best default when we hear of a death is to show up. Our presence communicates so much in that moment. Plus, we are able to assess the needs and connect them with those that are better able to run point and take care of physical and emotional needs as they unfold.
To be real, this is something that was much more realistic in a smaller church. Now we have a full time staff person whose job is to be first on the scene. This pastor excels in the spaces of suffering. He has also been able to train others to walk alongside those that are grieving so that our Body doesn’t depend on Craig and I to be present with all of these families. Now before you do a “must be nice to have a FT staff person to do that,” consider that we often have multiple funerals in a week, for months on end, so there’s a tradeoff. If God has called you to serve in a smaller congregation, it brings with it a closeness that you can have with your families. But don’t let that keep you from “equipping the saints for the work of ministry” (Ephesians 4:11-12) and in so deprive the Body of the opportunities to come alongside people in grief. If God has called you to a larger congregation, being “in it” with all of those families isn’t realistic, or something that God has called you to in this season. Wisdom directs us to discern the spaces to be present and connect them to others that can meet the remaining needs.
We as pastor’s wives find ourselves on the front lines of death and loss over and over as this is a big part of ministry life. We trust the resources below will help you as you courageously lean in to help grieving people in your church family.
WE RECOMMEND
Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart – Kenneth C. Haugk
Walking With Grieving People as a Pastor’s Wife – Alongside Ministry Wives
Alongside has many grief resources listed on our Resource Page, select “Grief” as the topic
