I stared down at the vibrant colors in my Greek salad and the dark pumpkin seeds floating in my soup and thought, “It’s happening again.” An invitation to lunch from a church friend had turned into an opportunity for her to air her complaints about all she felt was wrong with women’s ministry at our church. I’ve found myself in the place of being used as the church suggestion box on more than one occasion (perhaps you have too?) But this time, something in me made a distinct choice to handle this conversation differently than I ever had before.
HANDLING CRITICISM
Fielding criticism is an ongoing challenge for a pastor’s wife. The nature of being in the church invites heaps of opinions because you and your husband are seen as “working for them.” Plus, people may feel a level of comfort approaching you with their input because of your accessibility.
There is a choice we have in these moments… will I be a victim or a student?
Here are some distinctions between these two terms:
- Victim: I see few options or ways forward, just surviving, no way out.
- Student: I am listening and learning. Gathering information for multiple ways forward.
I chose the role of “student” instead of “victim” in this conversation and It. Changed. Everything.
Please do not miss that it was a choice. It will be a choice for you too. Is this trickyto navigate? YES! Will you need God’s help to handle it well? YES!
It is incredibly tempting to stay in the place of the victim in these moments. Labeling myself with that word surrounds me with multiple off ramps for self-pity instead of staying on the road of leading where I know I’ve been called. Holding on to the word victim makes me feel trapped, resentful and suspicious. In standing back and naming all of these things, I know it is NOT what my Creator intended for me in this role. AT ALL.
II Timothy 1:7 | “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”
In choosing the role of student in this conversation, I listened. I discovered that this lady had a ministry of making & sending cards and visiting lonely people in nursing homes. I found out how much she’d lost in her long lifetime: her husband, retiring from a job she loved, friends from church who had died, and the way things “used to be.”
Here’s the point where the conversation turned:
Me: So you make cards and visit people in nursing homes? That is very important! It makes people feel seen and valued.
Her: Yes, I love doing it!
Me: Have you thought of taking someone younger WITH you? The younger generation in our church needs to SEE what you are doing, experience it and learn from it. You are a leader! Those of us who are older have a responsibility to teach those who are younger!
Her: (Sitting back with a slight smile & raised eyebrow) Huh! I never thought of that!
Two great things I noticed happening in this God-given moment:
- She began to ponder women’s ministry in a totally different light than she had before. Perhaps not as “events to attend” but as “seeds to plant.” Instead of seeing few ministry opportunities, all of a sudden she had many seeds to sow in this change of thinking.
- I did not leave the conversation feeling like a victim. Within the week, she mailed me one of her handmade cards, saying how much she had enjoyed our visit.
So how do you show up as a student in these hard moments, especially when it is not your first inclination or you were caught off guard, not expecting to field the criticism?
Some key things to remember:
- Victim or student? Which gives you more options?
- Ask God’s guidance as you balance being gracious in your response and bold in your exhortation.
- Choose this moment to inspire someone. To cheer them on beyond what they’ve done before if it is possible within the conversation.
- There are times it is completely ok to defer the comment/criticism to leadership who can answer/field what the person is asking. It doesn’t necessarily have to be you. Listening as a student instead of a victim, helps you gather info that may need to be directed elsewhere.
Do you want to dig deeper into this conversation? Join one of our Managing Messy Ministry Relationships cohort. We spend time together talking about practical ways to navigate criticism. Whether it’s you or your spouse that is the target.
Cheering you on in these challenging moments that come with being a pastor’s wife (especially unexpected moments of criticism). Cling to the one who made you and who put you exactly in this place and position for this time in history. Your role is more important than you know.
RESOURCES
Here are some additional resources to help you dig further into ways to respond to criticism.
How Should Ministry Wives Respond to Criticism?
Lifeway Voices
BuHandling Criticism in Ministry with Ashley Blankenship
The Pastor Wife Life
