I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I hung up the phone. I knew this was a sensitive conversation and that it needed to be handled with care. But yet, I totally botched it. I went into it with a jumble of thoughts in my head which came out in poorly chosen words, leading out with something that was potentially hurtful and ultimately adding to the conflict I’d hoped this conversation would help avoid.
But I knew better. In hindsight, I could see all of the potholes I’d stepped in. But no amount of apologizing would undo the careless way I had hurt the feelings of one of those dearest to me.
So why did it happen, besides the fact that I’m human and I make mistakes? Were there things that I could’ve done to prevent it? Ways that I could’ve been more mindful, more careful?
Absolutely. But more than that, this didn’t just happen because of an isolated moment of thoughtlessness. It happened partly because I had been in a long season of not maintaining my margin. As pastors’ wives, particularly those carrying the weight of leadership, it is easy for the space we strive to maintain to get eaten up by the urgent needs of those around us.
Sometimes the circumstances that eat up our margin are out of our control. As pastors’ wives, we have seasons marked by a series of deaths in our congregation, or maybe prolonged conflict among our leadership team, or even a heavy outreach season coupled with struggles in our own family. Sometimes there are just seasons where we gut it out and get through it, allowing God to bring us to the still waters at the other side where restoration happens.In these cases, our job is to ask God to re-establish the rhythms for good margin once the season of crisis is over.
But in other seasons, we do have some control over what we allow to eat up our margin. In those seasons, we are able to be more proactive and intentional. As we look back at the last year of ministry, it is helpful for me to evaluate the areas where I’ve created the margin that is necessary to hear the voice of the Spirit and be sensitive to Jesus’ interruptions and the places where I haven’t. Every year, I use this tool to help me evaluate and set new rhythms for the upcoming year. GROWING IN WISDOM tool link
But for us, this has been more than a “season” – it’s been several seasons strung together this year. Craig and I have been in it together – which has its own pros and cons. A pro is that you can figure out a way through it and then ways to prevent it from becoming the new normal – together. A con is that when you are in it together and you are both worn out, it’s harder for “one to pick the other up” as scripture talks about (Ecc 4:9). But we are being intentional about evaluating, setting new guardrails, resurrecting rhythms that have gotten pushed out and talking about priorities – together. You might think that once you learn this lesson, it’s good for life. Not so much. We have to revisit this together during different chapters of life, just as we are now.
We’ve learned that margin is the space between what is asked and what is available. When I allow my life to be structured so that what is being asked is sucking up all that is available – there’s no margin.
It’s a bit like driving my daughter’s little car along a dirt road. Everything is fine – even when I hit a big bump. As long as my shocks are ok, they will absorb the bump in the road and there won’t be any lasting damage.
But put a load of cement blocks in the trunk of that little car and drive on the same dirt road with the big bump. Suddenly, the hit makes it feel like the whole car is going to fall apart. I can hear the underside of the car grind against the road. And do you know what is the first thing to come off? The muffler. A car’s muffler is what dampens the noise of the engine. It’s what controls how obnoxious my car sounds to the houses I’m driving by.
When I live without a healthy margin in my life, one of the first places it shows is in my speech. And this is what happened that day in that phone conversation.
As I’m winding up this year and looking onto the next, I’m evaluating a year that has lacked margin. I’m looking at what new rhythms I need to discover (or old ones do I need to resurrect). We have a great article on “Nurturing Your Soul” you should check out.
It’s tempting to think that since we got through and survived this series of low/no margin seasons this year, maybe we’ve just gotten stronger. Maybe we can just make this the new normal? But the Holy Spirit called me to pay attention to the symptom in the phone conversation. And humility calls me to lay down my pride and agree that this is not the way He wants me to walk. In this moment, I choose to invite the Spirit of God to reveal to me those places where He has given me freedom to choose the rhythms that make up my life. He’s given me freedom and called me to guard those practices, disciplines and spaces that allow Him to refill my cup when it is empty.
SO HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN WE ARE LIVING WITHOUT HEALTHY MARGIN?
Here’s me WITHOUT margin in three areas that are easiest to see:
Logistically
- Scheduled back-to-back, for multiple days during the week. I can do this periodically but it can’t characterize my regular rhythm.
- No space for interruptions. I “feel” them as an annoyance instead of an opportunity to serve and see God move.
Relationally
- Lack of patience, especially with those that really need it
- See “favors” or anything new being asked of me as a big deal, feels heavier than it should and I feel irritated
- Not relationally present, distracted with the pressure of what is weighing on me
Physically
- Eat what will make me feel better in the moment
- No energy to work out or walk, doing well to get through the day and all that it holds
Can you relate to any of this? If you can, here are some questions I bring before the Lord. Inviting my Counselor, the One who knows my heart, into these places is the only way I will discern the wise way forward. It’s the only way I will be able to choose His way over my agenda.
HEALTHY MARGIN QUESTIONS
Logistically
- Am I booking my schedule “back-to-back” with little time in between appointments to consider what God did in the last or how He might be calling me to show up in the next?
- Do I have space for “Jesus interruptions” (knowing that His ministry was filled with them)? While I don’t need to drop everything all of the time when one of these comes up, do I have space to tend to the interruption within a reasonable time period? Am I able to find space to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit?
Relationally
- Am I able to be patient with those that need my patience? Or am I short-fused?
- Am I able to invest, even a moment, with individuals God brings across my path? Or am I rushing to the next thing?
- Am I reserving emotional energy for those that are closest to me and matter most? Or am I spending it all on people’s urgent needs?
Physically
- Am I taking time to care for the “temple” God has entrusted to me in my body? So that I am able to serve Him well for the long haul.
In a culture that is preoccupied with “self care”, how is this minding our margin any different? Isn’t it just buying into the navel gazing and self protection that is the popular trend right now? No. It isn’t. And here’s the difference.
Minding our margin is about creating and preserving space in our lives so that we can live generously. Jesus was lavish in His love for people – and He wants, even more than that, He empowers us to be lavish too.
Living without margin perpetuates a scarcity mentality that says “I only have this much to give and it’s all been spoken for.” Wisdom says, “Jesus, show me what You’ve already laid out for me to pick up today… and where there are things you want me to lay down”.
Here’s a great example from a pastor at Greenwood Village Presbyterian Church in Colorado. He intentionally plans an extra thirty minutes into his gym workout because he knows he will run into people from his church there. This allows him time to workout and connect with people who “just happen” to see him there, instead of being rushed out to the next thing. For us as pastors’ wives, it can be as simple as making my only agenda for Sunday morning “connecting with one person who desperately needs to be seen.” Maybe it’s just for a few minutes. Maybe I reach out to her and set up coffee for a moment during the week that isn’t so chaotic as the church lobby on Sunday morning. And maybe only for a half hour. Or maybe it’s just a phone call. If that’s what I’ve got – that’s what I offer. And sometimes when there are a lot of demands, that’s what generosity looks like.
My husband, Craig, has implemented a practice that helps him with the “I can’t possibly meet everyones’ needs and still protect my margin.” He calls it “Do For One.” We do for one what we wish we could do for everyone – and trust God to meet the needs of the others. In trusting God, we also pass them to folks around us whom God has raised up to meet the needs of the body. I have adopted this and it has caused me to abandon the “If I don’t, who will?”mentality. That perspective doesn’t take into account the diverse gifting and provision of the Body of Christ – the Body that I am supposed to be “equipping for the works of ministry” (Eph. 4:12). It has lifted the weight of carrying the needs of so many that Jesus never intended for me to be carrying. So when I meet with someone with a need, I ask myself, “Is God calling me to walk this through with this person? Or is there someone else that He is using me to connect them with?” This acknowledges the unique “front line” role that I have where I”m often the one people come to when in need, while also not making me “everyone’s person.”
Maintaining my margin is a practice in humility. It’s remembering that “I am but dust” (Gen. 18:27) and that anything that is accomplished through my life is done by the God who breathes life into me. I am dependent upon Him to refresh me when I’m weary, to gird me up when I’m under attack or to speak to my heart when there’s an interruption He wants me to step into. It is my responsibility to maintain the space to listen and to pivot when my Savior calls. Let’s press into doing this better, with His help.
