It was dark and I was headed home from school. I had a forty-five minute commute to get to the inner city middle school where I taught, so there was plenty of time for me to unwind before meeting with Donna. She was a gray-haired pastor’s wife who had taken me under her wing during a few of our difficult, early years of ministry. As I pulled into Village Inn, I took a big breath and tried to pull myself together. I was tired. Teaching at a school that was a train-wreck, figuring out being a new wife, working beside Craig at this new church plant, him doing seminary, discipling a handful of high school girls – you get the scenario. But I could handle being tired. There was something more going on inside of me.
As I sat down in our booth, she could tell I was tired. But I think she could see that there was something more. She gently asked about what was going on in my world around me and gave me space to describe it (but really, to see for myself that my circumstances weren’t the source of my weariness.)
“So how is your heart in the midst of all this?”
Again, she gave me space to realize that in the midst of doing all that we’d dreamed of, I was feeling like a dried-out riverbed. What had once flowed with life-giving water now felt like no more than a rocky reminder winding its way through a desert. I felt so disconnected and spiritually empty. Of course, Jesus hadn’t moved. So why did He feel so very distant and silent? I was tired of living and giving out of an empty well and didn’t know how to refill it.
A long pause. She took my hand and those gentle, soft eyes sparkled. She asked me the question that would break the dam and begin to bring new life into this desert.
“Coletta, tell me about what made you fall in love with Jesus in the first place.”
As I found words for truths long buried, the tears came and I began to remember. A simple question, her curiosity really, had opened the door for God to work.
We intrinsically know the value of curiosity. We understand that curiosity says:
“You have ideas that are worth unearthing and sharing.”
“Your story is a valuable testament of who God is and it is worth telling.”
“There is more to you than what is immediately visible and I care enough to get beyond the outer layer.”
But most of the time, we short-circuit curiosity and rush ahead with our own story or our own advice. We end up giving what hasn’t been asked for and it is received like a day old casserole after a funeral.
So why do we do this? And why should we press into another way?
Let’s take a look at Scripture first.
James 1:19 says,
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
When I adopt a posture of listening and learning, I am listening for the voice of the Spirit to show me the real issues of the heart. When I jump in with my own input, I am allowing my own needs and emotions to lead. James warns us about allowing anger to lead because God’s goals of heart change in us are not produced when anger is allowed to drive.
But there are also other emotions and needs that can prevent me from adopting this listening posture, of being curious.
3 Reasons I Revert to Advice-giving Over Curiosity
- I have an unmet need to feel valued and admired. I go into the conversation wanting to bring value to the table so I rush ahead, not allowing the Holy Spirit to pave the way before me.
- I am a fixer. I feel people’s pain and just want to help them feel better. Allowing them to sit in it and wrestle with it is too painful for me so I offer premature advice.
- I am tired. Pushing in with curiosity and asking questions takes more effort and time than I have to give. Instead of minding my margin, I’ve run the text to the edge of the paper and have no room.
Can you relate to any of these? Which one is most familiar to you?
Don’t worry, we’ll deal with some of these obstacles to cultivating curiosity in our next article. But why is it even worth the work?
3 Reasons it’s Worth the Effort to Cultivate Curiosity
- Curiosity communicates value. It says that you and your circumstances are complex. The difficulties aren’t because you are stupid or the situation is simple. Curiosity says that you are worth the time it takes to pursue greater understanding.
- Curiosity reveals the condition of our hearts. That moment when we ask a question that causes them to think about things differently, that’s when learning happens. It’s like when I sing into an open grand piano and the strings that resonate at the same frequency as my voice, sing along with me. The Holy Spirit is revealing something they need to hear.
- Curiosity creates a teachable moment. It’s that moment when I see that I don’t have all the answers, when I get to the end of myself. It is only there that I am ready to hear wisdom from another source besides myself.
It’s that moment when my discomfort with my dilemma outweighs my fear of vulnerability and looking like I don’t have it all figured out – that’s the teachable moment.
We have to allow the Holy Spirit to create that teachable moment BEFORE we rush in with advice or input.
So how do I cultivate curiosity in myself?
Here are a few tips on cultivating curiosity in ourselves. We’ll dig into this with more depth in the next issue “Obstacles to Being Curious”. But here are some ideas to chew on until then.
Cultivating Curiosity in Myself
1. Ask Better Questions
Yes, we all know the value of good questions. But good questions are about quality – not quantity. Many of us have a list of questions in our back pocket for those conversations that are like pulling teeth. But instead of having a barrage of questions, think about layering them. Kind of like an onion. Instead of just trying to keep the conversation going, think of it as peeling an onion, where each question is dependent on the response that preceded it. Sounds kind of obvious, but it’s crazy how many times we don’t do this. Here’s an simple example:
Question: How is your summer going?
Response: Pretty good. Super busy but I guess that’s how it is with kids, right?
Typical next question: And how are your kids?
Better layered question: What have you enjoyed most with your kids this summer?
Even better layered question: What have you learned about your kids this summer?
Deeper conversations where we help people feel valued come when layered questions become our habit and not the exception.
2. Understand How People Change
When people come to us, especially with a problem, it’s hugely helpful to understand how people change. What’s the process that we, as humans, go through to recognize a problem and come to a place where we are willing to make a change to solve it? John Maxwell gives a great structure that has helped me identify where someone is in the change process and engage with them in an appropriate way. He says that people go through four stages of change: alarm, analysis, asking and applying (from Stages of Change in John Maxwell’s book “16 Undeniable Laws of Communication”).
Being able to recognize which stage someone is in has changed the way that I engage with them and help them hear from the Lord in the midst of their challenge.
Are you curious? Do you want to hear more about these stages? Good! Our upcoming article “Cultivating Curiosity: the opportunities and obstacles” will dig into this in greater depth.
In the meantime, take a moment and pray that God would show you how you might jump the gun and jump ahead of where God has laid the groundwork in your conversations. Pray that He’d show you why you tend to jump ahead. And finally, ask Him to cultivate a curiosity in you that helps those around you experience the deep, deep love of Jesus that values their story and meets them on their path, right where they are.
WE RECOMMEND
Heather Holleman’s book “The Six Conversations”
