“Mom, do I have to go to church today?”
This was the third time one of my kids had asked. What was I doing wrong? Was the church doing something wrong that the pastor’s kids didn’t want to go? As a pastor’s wife and mother, I had turned the idea of making sure my kids were engaged in church and ministry as my personal victory or failure. I felt like a deflated balloon, a failure, yet I needed to take their feelings seriously. How could I help them process the emotions behind their perceptions? Did they struggle with feeling included? Did they need to separate the relationship they had with Jesus from the things at church that were not appealing to them?
I became more concerned as Sunday mornings grew to more than the occasional tired whine. Again I jumped to what I might be doing wrong that church seemed boring. Jesus was anything but boring! They were even asking to attend another church’s youth group. Wouldn’t this hurt our youth pastor? As their mom I could have let them go, but I let my role as a pastor’s wife influence the need to “grow the youth group.” I could have reached a compromise that met their needs in a better way and helped to keep them engaged. However, my pride (my desire to be thought of as supportive), kept me from having a discussion with the youth pastor. What would he think of allowing my children to take a break?
Pastor’s kids have unique struggles, and I didn’t have another pastor’s wife to talk to about these kinds of things at the time. Inevitably, the pastor’s kids hear and see things inside the church that disappoint them. Adults at school or out in the world might disappoint them, but as teenagers they were not expecting that at church. Unfortunately, our kids may have also heard my husband and I voicing some of our own frustrations.
Dr. Ronnie Floyd, pastor of Cross Church in Northwest Arkansas, wrote an article “Raising Your Children in Ministry.” He says,
“If you are not content in ministry or content where you are living, sooner or later your children will catch that same spirit.”
Could contentment have been our issue as a family? As a pastor’s wife I had the desire to show our kids the benefits of being a ministry kid, while acknowledging the struggle of living more publicly. Maybe I needed to dig deeper to find the root of their problem.
As their mom, I felt I knew them so well. I needed the reminder that no matter how well I thought I had the whole picture of their struggles, I was not in their minds and hearts to have the complete picture. Only God has that viewpoint. Now that several years have passed, I look back on my dual role of pastor’s wife and mom. It doesn’t seem as alarming to me that my kids were not always engaged. If I am honest, I too have had exhausting weeks where I would rather not deal with people.
So with years of perspective, here’s some things I can recommend instead of being worried or deflated:
Pray.
This is one of the biggest callings as a pastor’s wife and mother. I need to pray that God will show them their attitude is about their feelings or perceptions and not about how they feel about Jesus. I want them to sort out feelings they could wrongfully attach to their relationship with God.
Be honest with them.
Admit I have days like that too. Usually when I push through those feelings, I find there are very good reasons that I am present at church. God opens opportunities where I can see I am being used by Him. Sharing these examples with my kids helps them see how God meets them in unexpected times. “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Hebrews 3:13
Ask about their concerns.
What could I help talk through with them? These kinds of conversations can’t happen on the way out the door, but circling back to talk about issues at an opportune time can be helpful for the whole family. Often these conversations have to do with a personality conflict or impatience with waiting too long after the service. Taking two cars (if possible) helps this a lot; one of us can take the kids home when they have been waiting too long. I DO need them to understand that at times, a ministry opportunity might take precedence over their need to leave.
Remember Psalm 78:4b.
It says, “…tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done.” It goes on to say that generations would put their trust in God, not forget his deeds, and keep his commands. (Psalm 78:1-8) When I give them examples of seeing God in action, it helps encourage them to see Him at work.
Remember God’s faithfulness.
Time and time again I watch God meet my kids in the personal ways they need. He loves them even more than I do and will continue to draw them to Himself.
Keeping Kids in Church
One benefit of listening to our kids voice their concerns about church is that it puts on our radar that others could be feeling the same way. Are there simple things we could fix that might make it easier for other kids to engage in ministry life? Our teens enjoyed mission trips in the summers and youth activities where they connected with other kids in the group. When there were events that the kids enjoyed like paintball or camping, their attitudes were so much more open. I spent lots of time praying for healthy spiritual friendships that would help connect them with Jesus.
I realized our kids were struggling to find who they were in God’s kingdom. They needed a variety of experiences with both kids and adults to show them their place and giftings. I watched for moments when I could bring them along in a conversation or prayer time that would help disciple them. As my kids have looked back on these years, it is interesting to hear them talk fondly of their relationships with different adults. Sometimes the best memories were mentoring opportunities just in a simple conversation after church.
We are made for community and when community feels vital, we all thrive. Isn’t this true for all of us? In the flurry of ministry and trying to provide meaningful moments for adults and kids, we can sometimes forget that our own family may be the people we need to minister to. Teens can be so painfully honest about what they want and need. In listening, we may be delightfully surprised by the great responses and ripple effects in our own family and sphere of ministry.
