A few weeks ago, an older gentleman came up to me in our lobby and asked, “Has that married daughter of yours given you any grandkids yet? Tell her she’d better get on it.”
Interesting that he thought it was a good idea to ask about the fertility journey of one of our kids.
Interesting that he thought that it was a good idea for me to apply pressure in an area that is already often fraught with anxiety, waiting and wondering.
But we can just write that off as a quirky man’s attempt at connecting with our family – and perhaps expressing his delight in being a grandpa.
The real issue this brings to light though is just how UN-PRIVATE the pastor’s family life is. Regardless of how big your church is, when you sign up for the pastor gig, you sign up for living publicly.
Now, we can wrestle through why that is and whether or not it is fair. And we will. But the bottom line is that when your spouse is the one bringing God’s Word to His people and helping them wrestle with how to live out that Truth in a complicated world – the pastor’s family will occupy a more visible place in the public eye.
When I began to realize WHY this is true, it helped me work through my resistance to it.
When your husband gets up on that podium, or stage, or platform to deliver God’s Word, he is living publicly. Hopefully he is letting the people of God into how the Lord has convicted him to walk out the truths he is bringing before them with vulnerability and honesty. And hopefully, the man in front (in all his humanness, weakness and honesty) matches the man that walks through the door of your living room, when no one but your family is looking. I know this isn’t always the case and some of our husbands need to struggle with making those two men line up. But that’s the goal.
So in order for him to lead your people in their next steps of obedience, he needs to be real about his own. And often, this involves you and your family because that’s where his challenge to obedience is played out. Your conversations, adventures, conflicts and heartaches become real-life stories that your people can relate to. When he talks about you, they come to “know you”. Of course, you see the paradox here. They come to know you, but you know nothing about them. It’s a one-sided relationship. But it doesn’t minimize the closeness they feel to him, to you and to your family. The trust that your husband builds with your congregation often gets transferred to you, because you are his partner.
Do you realize what a great WIN this is?
Some of the work of building trust has already been done for you and you can jump into the deeper waters, faster, because of his vulnerability. Instead of seeing this as our privacy being violated, what if we saw it as trust being bestowed. We didn’t earn it, but it’s being given to us.
There have been times in my life when I’ve resented this one-sided relationship that people seem to have with me. It didn’t seem fair that our lives seemed to always be on display. We couldn’t go anywhere, out to dinner, grocery shopping, even on vacation without seeing people we “know”. It takes a lot of energy to be “on” all of the time, ready to run into someone who wants to say “Hi” (or more often, give their feedback about some church-related issue). But as I’ve wrestled with it more, I’ve come to a realization that has allowed me to reframe this sacrifice of my privacy in a way that has brought freedom and rid me of resentment.
The bottom line is, it doesn’t really matter if it is fair or not. Whether my “right” to privacy is something that I deserve. What really matters is that there’s an opportunity for influence that God has brought my way. I have choices.
- I can resist living an open life that others can see. I can view it as unfair because I have to sacrifice my privacy because of my husband’s job. This resistance leads to resentment.
- Or I can show up, be visible, but avoid actually revealing my heart and letting people in to see the real me. This option is attractive and I’d say is what many pastors’ wives choose, sometimes by default.
- But the third option is the best, I think. When I’ve begun to see my loss of privacy as gaining a platform of influence, I’ve gained courage to live with a new vulnerability. This vulnerability enables me to walk into conversations knowing that they know far more about me than I know about them. Instead of making me hide, this makes me bold. “So you heard about how our family is responding to God’s leading in this. How about you? What do you think God is leading you to?”
Choosing to embrace this platform of influence over protecting my privacy seems like a good idea. But what about the places where it’s wise to protect our privacy? There are places where damage can be done when people who have not earned trust are allowed to see and speak into spaces that are outside their circle of responsibility. What about those?
When I am faced with sacrificing my privacy for the sake of the gospel, whether that’s in the form of being used in a sermon illustration or finding myself on the receiving end of too many opinions, I have to ask myself some heart-level questions first.
- Is God asking me to surrender something I am trying to keep or hold onto?
- Why am I trying to protect it? Is there shame, embarrassment, or fear at the root?
- What gospel advantage could there be to my surrendering this “private” aspect of me? Are there others that could gain courage from my struggle?
Once I’ve wrestled through these heart motivations, there are some other issues that come into play as we seek to live authentically and with wise transparency before our people. If you are interested in the difference between authenticity and transparency and how they play out, see TRANSPARENCY.
Here are some practices that Craig and I have discovered that help us protect what needs protecting and, in vulnerability, offer up what needs offering up.
Whose story is it?
When he wants to use one of our stories as an illustration…
…he asks us first. He tells us the context of where God brought the story to mind and what he hopes sharing it will accomplish. Then he asks permission to use our story.
If I want to tell his story or a story about my kids, especially one that reveals a struggle, I need to seek their permission. I also need to learn how to be vulnerable about what is truly mine to share. For example, when I share about our daughter’s chronic illness, I need to share about my experiences, struggles and lessons – not her’s.
When people seem intrusive, what is it they are truly after?
It probably comes from a desire to connect with me – and that’s a good thing. Sometimes their methods are misguided, but I need to pay attention to the heart motivation. For example, when people persist in wanting us to come to their home for dinner and don’t realize that Craig’s schedule is maxed out, the desire is for connection. So I can say, “Hey, I’m really glad you want to connect with us. We want to connect with you too. We just can’t do another evening right now. Here’s what we can do….”
When I run into someone unexpectedly, how do I value them without getting derailed?
Understand that they probably just want to know that I recognized them, that they matter. A simple “Hey! Hi! Good to see you! Sorry, in a rush.” It’s Ok to let that be my greeting. And the reality is that I often wear a permanent smile on my face and make eye contact with whomever looks my way when I’m at the grocery store. Sometimes I don’t recognize everyone that goes to our church. But worst case scenario, someone gets a smile that doesn’t know me and wonders why. That’s not so bad.
When I (or my husband) am tempted to share something to establish street cred, consider what damage it would do to the subject of the story.
When my girls were really young, I once commiserated with another mom about something one was struggling with and getting disciplined for. When that daughter got home from church that night, she sat down on the couch and tears filled her eyes as she asked me, “why did you tell Sarah’s mom what I got in trouble for? That hurt my feelings so much, Mom.” Ugh – Big. Mom. Fail. Moment. The credibility I gained in that mom’s sight, that my kids aren’t always “perfect”, wasn’t worth the hurt I caused my girl. That should’ve been protected.
Running into people I don’t know isn’t that big a deal – we get used to it. When does this issue really become hard?
For me, the times when the Lord has needed to help me surrender my desire for privacy in order to accomplish greater things for His Kingdom has come when I am asked to struggle publicly. When hard trials hit us or our families, sometimes it’s all we can to keep our heads above water. But to have to struggle publicly, with hundreds or even thousands, watching – that’s a whole new level. Whether the struggle rises out of losing a loved one, a health or relationship hardship or some other crisis, God has helped me see redemption when He’s asked me to struggle in front of a crowd. Sometimes that is as simple as allowing myself to sob (not the gentle, single tear – the ugly kind) during a worship service. Sometimes it’s being authentic about this being a season of struggle, without giving details. But seeing God’s people (for the most part, anyway) moved to compassion and gaining a greater ability to minister to those in their lives going through pain gives me courage. And even those that don’t understand and may be quick to judge, God moves me in that moment to respond to them with grace that can only come from Him.
I just wanted to give you a heads up in case this challenge isn’t in your rearview mirror yet. God will enable you to be an authentic human, with a heart that breaks just like theirs. And He will bring beauty out of the ashes that you would have rather buried than put on display.
I hold tight to this verse where Paul says,
“Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us.”
1 Thessalonians 2:8
God asks us to give our very lives…and that sometimes means my privacy too. Most days I am Ok with that. On the off day, may my heart surrender to the One who uses all the things, even those things I’d rather hide, to bring glory to Himself.
Digging Deeper
- How can you utilize your public life as a bridge into new conversations this week?
- What area are you tempted to cover up or hide rather than allow God to use?
- How can you embrace and show value to those that “know you” even though you might not know them?
Being married to someone in a leadership role and therefore living publicly is something entrusted to a few. YOU are one of the few and your omniscient Creator knew this before you were born. Use what has been entrusted to you wisely.
Recommended Resources
Chapter 6 “Sharing Your Life” and Chapter 9 “Protecting Your Private Life”
