If you’ve been a pastor’s wife in ministry for very long, you have probably discovered that a “normal” week at work and “normal” working hours are a myth. Emergencies rarely happen during business hours. Without a plan for the long haul and specific conversations around this topic between you and your husband, you can easily find yourselves slipping into the erosion of church life coming first and marriage/family life slipping farther down the slope.
With this in mind, what are healthy expectations for me to have, as a pastor’s wife, regarding time with my husband and with our family?
This question comes up in all of our cohorts and I talk to pastors’ wives frequently who are wrestling with this. They feel either bitter or guilty – or sometimes a mixture of both. And I’ve been there. I remember.
Bitterness often comes out not feeling like a priority, getting the leftover “crumbs”, and seeing him be pulled away from marriage/family time in order to attend to other peoples’ crises or church situations. Those challenges are real and can contribute to a bitterness that can take root inside us.
But guilt also can coexist, springing from recognizing the eternal consequences of the ministry you’ve said “yes” to, minimizing your own needs in comparison and not wanting to be an additional burden he has to bear. Those are real too. And as pastors’ wives, we often have to work through both.
If you are asking this question, there’s probably some unmet needs and maybe some hurt lurking below the surface. When we can recognize those feelings and deal with our expectations, they have less chance of becoming a time-bomb in our marriage, waiting for the least opportune moment to blow up.
Before we get down to the nitty gritty tips, there’s a principle that I had to come to understand. When we encounter an expectation that isn’t being met, we experience disappointment. Disappointment lives in the gap between our expectations and our reality.
To shrink that gap and the disappointment that lives there, we have two options:
- We can evaluate and change the expectation, deciding whether it is realistic, biblical and appropriate for the season we are in OR
- We can change the reality, by coming together and figuring out a way to meet the expectation
6 TIPS TO SHRINK THE GAP BETWEEN EXPECTATIONS AND REALITY
#1. Talk about it objectively, with the calendar/schedule in front of you. Don’t wait until you are in meltdown mode and it becomes a fight. Give him a heads up that you’d like to have a conversation about managing expectations and “home” time. Then suggest that you both write down what you most need from “home” time. If you have kids, what do they need? Realize that he probably already feels guilty, so try to minimize that as a motivator. Ask questions like:
- How can we be creative about getting time for us as a couple, for our family and for rest?
- What commitments are non-negotiable? Which are negotiable?
- How can we “buy back” time? (For example: If you have a Leadership meeting Monday night, can we do breakfast Tuesday instead?)
#2. Find Rhythms of Rest over long marathons interspersed with escapes. We want to be in this for the long haul so finding rhythms that support that is essential. Reaffirm OUT LOUD in this conversation that you want to put structures in place that help you both stay in this ministry thing together.
#3. Watch for The Break. There are seasons of high demand, but they are almost always followed by a time of rest. God has shown us this over and over again. For example, we plan for some down time in January after the Christmas-crazy ends. We shut down the church for the week between Christmas and New Year’s to enable our staff to rest. When our calling requires sacrifice, God usually redeems it by providing times of rest to refresh us. This is a very biblical idea (see Ps 23 and the story of Elijah’s refreshment after his battle in 1 Kings 19). The real challenge is to recognize when the push is over and to seize that rest instead of wasting it on things it wasn’t intended for.
#4. Mind your Margin. When we schedule ourselves out to the limits and don’t allow any white space that isn’t booked, we set ourselves up for burnout. We need to leave space for crises, because our ministries are full of them. When we mind our margin, we are able to engage crises the way Jesus did, with patience and attentiveness. When we don’t mind our margin, we resent the person that interrupts. But a fireman doesn’t resent the fire. It’s why he is there. And we follow a Savior that had a ministry of interruptions that we need to emulate.
#5. Adjust Expectations Based on New Demands. We have to watch our capacities and adapt. When Craig was an Associate Pastor, teaching at Denver Seminary, writing, speaking around the country and running a non-profit, we tried to make sure he had one day off each week. Now, while the number of hats he wears has shrunk, the stress level and weight of responsibility have increased. One day a week isn’t enough anymore, so we carve out another half-day during the week so that we can spend time together and he can be refreshed for services on the weekend.
#6. Be creative. When you serve at a church where most ministries are led by volunteers/lay leaders, every meeting is at night. For us, we didn’t depend on nights alone as family time during this season. Our creative solution was homeschooling so that we could grab breakfasts or lunches together. We grabbed Wednesdays as Family Adventure Days. That’s not a good option for everyone, but there are others. Several of my pastor wife friends have “date mornings” on Friday mornings because their husbands work all day Saturday and Sunday.
So I know there are some of you who are like, “But what’s the bottom line? What’s realistic as far as work hours, days off, and evenings at home? More importantly, what’s healthy?”
Just for you, here’s my take:
Home Nights – Expecting to have “home” time at least three nights a week is realistic. Remember, you are grabbing breakfasts or other time as a substitute for those evening meetings. I know Saturday night is hard to count – his mind is elsewhere.
Days Off – God modeled for us taking a Sabbath rest, so we must take one day as well, to close the door on all things “church”. The idea of two-days off a week is a western idea and not a “right”. That said, if Craig is working more than 50 hours/week (we’ve had stretches where he’s been over 65, not good), that sends up a red flag for us that we are going to have to build in some rest somewhere and reevaluate the rhythm. It’s rarely sustainable.
Before you go, one last thought. If you are asking this question, there’s a chance you are feeling a little neglected. Maybe a little bitter. I get that. Can I encourage you that the best thing you can do is press into your “team”. Instead of pulling at him to be home, figure out a way to remind him that you are together in this. Pack a picnic and have lunch on the floor of his office on one of those long days. Or drop in with coffee or his favorite drink and take a few minutes to go for a walk or take a drive. The brief time away is a helpful reset. You might check his calendar so that it doesn’t add more stress before you show up. You are on the same team, serving the same Jesus and wanting to raise your families to love and serve Him. Stay engaged and press in.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
“What Are The Expectations?” – Alongside Worksheet
Managing Expectations For a Sustainable Ministry – David Murray
Front Row Seat: Engaging God’s Calling and People’s Expectations – Jani Ortlund
