I often feel unseen as a pastor’s wife. I’m hesitant to confess this, but I admit that just making this statement helps me to process emotions. And it’s not just feeling “unseen”, but unheard, unnoticed, overlooked, and insignificant. It’s not that I want or need attention. It’s just that at times I am recognized only as the point of contact for any and all church related questions. Or when I’m needed to volunteer. Or when someone needs advice or prayer.
The conversation usually begins with a request such as, “Karen – what time does ___ start?”, “Karen – where’s the ____ ?”, “Karen – can you ____?”, instead of asking, “How are YOU doing?” These requests come from the time I enter the building and they also occur continually 24/7 through texts or emails. Without any attempt at an actual greeting or conversation, this constant bombardment of requests can cause me to feel as if I’m nothing but a pipeline to the pastor.
Perhaps as a ministry wife, there are times that you feel unseen too? I suppose it’s possible that our congregants have developed the habit of only noticing us when we aren’t at church. It’s a little crazy that in spite of my continued questions about their lives, their families, their interests and trips, I seldom have anyone ask me about who I am. I wonder why this is.
In recent years, I have become curious about occupations that parallel ministry when it comes to the involvement of families. Perhaps politicians can relate to these dynamics? When a person runs for political office, their families find themselves in the spotlight with every move being scrutinized. Seasoned ministry families know all too well why we are referred to as “Fishbowl Families” or how we live in “The Glass House.” Are families of other occupations impacted in a similar way?
In Matthew 5:14-16, scripture tells us we are the “light of the world”, but oftentimes pastor’s wives can feel unseen in the shadow of our husbands. Or maybe we “lose ourselves” in the ongoing demands of ministry. And that’s okay….sometimes. Sometimes I can handle this and I’m content riding in the shadows. Sometimes it bothers me to be viewed as a bonus staff member or used as a personal assistant. As a pastor’s wife, I am honored to support my husband and the calling God has placed on his heart. But sometimes I just wish our congregations realized how much our husband’s call to ministry is really a family calling to ministry. We are PEOPLE with real human needs, feelings, and emotions.
So how are we to be a “light” when we feel unseen?
When I dug into this passage of Scripture, these verses tell us that Jesus is The Light of the world. Matthew 5:14 specifically tells us as believers, “…You are the light of the world…”. We are not instructed to be the light (remember Jesus is The Light), we are simply called to reflect the light of Jesus. As J. Vernon McGee says in his Through the Bible Commentary on Matthew 5:14,
“…We have no light within ourselves, but the Word of God is light. Being a light means giving out the Word of God in one way or another. We are to share the light that God has given us…”
So when I feel unseen and insignificant, I remind myself that my role is simply to reflect. It’s not my job to “feel” seen or “to be seen.” We are being observed by others, even in the shadows. Our reflections, even when we think they are imperceptible, should always point to God.
Another illustration of reflections is that of a lighthouse. Historically, lighthouses are towers that project continuous light to navigators.
Consider this inscription found at the Tybee Island Lighthouse Museum in Georgia:
“…Everything associated with the life of a Lighthouse Keeper carried the responsibility of hard work.Duties were divided not only among the three keepers but among their wives and children as well.The family members, therefore, share in the happiness and hardships of the Tybee Island Light Station…”
This inscription resonated with my soul. God used these words to encourage my heart at a time when I desperately felt unseen and unheard. I thought about the parallels between lighthouse keepers and ministry families. These two occupations have similarities of remarkable significance.
Here are four lessons that I’ve learned from lighthouse keepers:
1. You may feel hidden, but you are not invisible.
Most people don’t care about lighthouses until they are needed. As a pastors’ wife you may feel inconspicuous, but you are a strong tower to those in need, including your husband. When a storm hits, when life is disorienting, you will shine with God’s Word and reflect The Light to someone navigating darkness. Psalm 119:105, Ephesians 5:8-10.
2. You may be shrouded in the shadows now, but remember that Jesus also temporarily veiled himself.
When we feel we are insignificant serving behind the scenes, remember Phil. 2:6-8. Jesus emptied Himself and set aside all heavenly attributes so that He could serve. Meekness is not weakness. Humility speaks volumes to our character, and a servant’s heart reflects light. Matthew 17 and 1 Peter also address this.
3. You may feel obscure, but you are not obsolete.
Pastors are instructed to be preachers, teachers, and keepers of Scripture. As pastors, our husbands are the lighthouse keepers of the church. They are able to do these things because of our love, support, and countless things that we do behind the scenes. Ministry is a family effort. We may not be in the spotlight, but our contributions to ministry allow our husbands to fulfill their calling. Don’t underestimate your role and effectiveness in ministry. 1 John 1:7.
4. Rewards are coming.
Faithfulness is important. God sees you and will reward you. Shine on sweet sisters. Even when you are unseen in the shadows, you are seen and heard by the ONE we strive to shine for.
Book Recommendations:
In Our Shoes – Real Life Issues for Ministers’ Wives by Ministers’ Wives
Podcast Recommendations:
LET’S TALK WITH SANCTUARY, Episode 80 | Silently Bleeding By Sanctuary | Host Bridgette Tomlin
