Asking the Right Questions
It was a Sunday night, and Doug and I were dropping off a dinner of meatball hoagie sandwiches for the youth group. We brought the meal into the church gym and set everything up. After the prayer for the food, the kids excitedly started down the serving line. They had never had this particular meal, so they were curious and commented on the curls of yummy scents rising up from the crock pots. After the meal, we cleaned everything up, loaded boxes and crock pots and leftovers back in the car and headed home.
As we debriefed the night together, Doug and I both sensed something major was missing. No one said thank you at all..not the kids or the leadership. This was not an issue in that Doug and I needed to be thanked (I mean…we are talking Sam’s Club meatballs and Prego sauce here). But, we sensed a bigger cultural issue going on. God had given us eyes to look at this situation through the lenses of what any future volunteers would experience in dropping off a meal and what this experience was teaching a younger generation. We didn’t want leadership or kids to be unobservant of the sacrifice of time and money involved in giving a meal like this.
Doug and I started talking through the “hows” of addressing this.
- How do we challenge “the way it’s always been done” when cultural shifts to graciousness and gratitude are needed?
- Since it seemed like we were the ones that would need to bring this up, how do we do that? One of us? Both of us?
- How could we challenge in a way that doesn’t embarrass or shame someone?
- How could we bring people closer together in how we handle this?
Within 48 hours, Doug talked 1:1 with our youth pastor about our experience as volunteers that night. Doug explained that challenging the way things had been handled that night was not personal or for our own gratification. “Julie Lynn and I don’t need to be thanked for frozen meatballs and Prego sauce!” Doug explained that this was a greater cultural challenge in how we treat people as a whole.
Even though it is never easy to challenge the way something has been done, it was well-received by our youth pastor. He made changes the very next week, and right after the prayer for the meal on Sunday night, all the youth group kids together told the next meal volunteer a very loud “THANK YOU!” and applauded that volunteer. It has continued that way ever since…for the good of the whole. Our youth pastor took this challenge so much to heart that even on a night a volunteer had to drop a meal and run..a video of the kids applauding and saying THANK YOU was sent to that volunteer’s cell phone. CULTURAL. CHANGE. It matters. And it absolutely can start with you.
God used Nehemiah, one man, to move His people to a major project. In the beginning of Nehemiah, he is deeply moved hearing about the city wall of Jerusalem being in shambles. In fact, he weeps over it. But he weeps alone. I stopped and wondered why no one else was weeping over this? The passion for change has been put in him by God and he wrestles this out with God in Nehemiah 1:5-11. The change that needs to happen will affect a lot of people, but begins with one.
4 Tips When Addressing Culture Challenges
Chances are, in the very unique pastor’s wife role you are in, you have also seen challenges in your church that need to be addressed because of the effect on the wider culture. You see what seems obvious – changes that need to happen that you wonder why no one else sees. How, when and where you address these challenges can be tricky in your role.
Here is what Doug and I learned from this experience:
Be Prompt and Private
- Addressing a challenge within a day or two of when you experience it is ideal if possible, while details are still fresh in everyone’s minds.
- Addressing the challenge privately builds trust and respect, and gives room for change and growth.
Lead With Why
- Vision-casting on “why this is good for the whole” can help to open the eyes of the church staff person or church volunteer you are addressing. This approach helps bring them into leadership with you and hopefully inspires instead of shaming.
Words Have Weight
- Depending on the situation, there are times the challenge will need to come from you or your husband. In this instance, we knew together it was Doug who needed to address this one-on-one since it was a fellow church staff member.
Celebrate Wins
- Following up with a thank-you for changes helps wrap this up. We become what we celebrate!
- Having a heart attitude of LOVE for the brother or sister in Christ you are addressing is key. We are on the same team. We are meant to help each other in various ways. We are family.
So, a reminder from God that He’s trusted YOU with this very unique role. You may see things others don’t, and God has put those things in you on purpose..like seeds…to be planted at an appropriate time. Plant the seeds God has given you to sow with kindness and grace. See what beautiful things come up, and be thankful to your Creator who can make all things new.
Resources:
5 Essential Building Blocks of a Healthy Church Culture – Carey Nieuhof
