And there it is. Another post it note on Craig’s office door.
“Please tell your students to find alternate routes to your office. They are wearing out the carpet.”
“I can’t believe it! How can they possibly care so much about carpet and so little about the gospel? These are exactly the kids Jesus wants here! They are hurting, have never heard about the hope of Jesus and they are ready to trust us because they’ve found a safe place here,” I ranted as Craig and I drove home from youth group that night.
That weekend we would find out that this same group had held a “secret meeting” (I hope you’ve never experienced this, but more than likely you have if you’ve been in this gig long). This secret meeting was for the express purpose of removing Craig because “there are just too many non-church kids here.”
That was the first time I saw my new husband cry. I mean really, deep down, “I am a failure” cry.
We knew he wasn’t a failure. But in our 20-something brains, it was hard to convince us that public opinion didn’t dictate the truth. We were doing what God had called us to do – take the hope of Jesus to kids that had never heard of Him. We were just in a place full of people that didn’t understand.
I’d love to say that I responded to this assault by quietly and firmly affirming Craig’s calling and what God had done through us. There was probably some of that. But what I remember most is the way I utterly bombed.
Instead of seeing the post-it group as a loud but small minority, I let their voices scream their agenda above all the rest. I didn’t know whether the whole congregation felt the same way about these non-church kids, but I made the assumption that they did, based on how loud these few representatives were.
Because I’d generalized the sin of a few to the whole congregation, I now had a festering bitterness growing inside me, not just against a few, but against the whole church.
The Forgiveness Process
The tough thing is, when we generalize like this, it gets in the way of forgiveness. We can’t forgive an institution or an organization. Just like we can’t forgive an event. This also means we can’t forgive a race or a nation. This is because forgiveness is relational. It is between one person and another, a transaction requiring two people.
Until I came to grips with the reality that there were individuals that had made conscious decisions to put their own agendas, preferences and wants above the needs of others, I could not take the first step towards forgiveness. But once I did, it became a whole lot easier. Plus, it helped me to resist the temptation to accumulate these rocks of resentment in my backpack towards “the church” when people did things that deeply hurt me.
This process wasn’t this clear when Craig and I first started wrestling our way through it thirty-some years ago. But the Lord has cleared the fog and given us some words to help us with this forgiveness process that we have to practice regularly with His people.
Here’s how it goes:
1. Name the person who has hurt me.
- Whether intentionally or unintentionally
- Whether they’ve acknowledged it or not
Why?
- Helps me to be specific in what was actually done and not just how I “feel”
- Prevents me from generalizing to a group that might’ve had little to do with it
Heads up – this one is hard because I somehow think I can sanitize it if I leave it general. It doesn’t. It just makes it harder to deal with.
2. Itemize the debt
- Be specific about how I was wronged
- In what areas of my life did I experience loss because of this?
Why?
- Only when I can call into the light the wrong and name it can I forgive it
- It helps me see where responsibility lies (do I have some?)
Heads up – I have trouble acknowledging when I’m angry so it’s difficult to name the offense. But once I can tease out where the pain came from and what losses resulted, I can offer those back to the Lord.
3. Cancel the Debt
- For each item, I ask the Lord to give me mercy and grace to forgive this
- Acknowledge that Jesus work for me on the cross was enough to cover each
Why?
- Forgiving specific actions, that had specific impacts on my life, helps me progress towards healing
- Jesus wants this for us and gives us directions about pursuing forgiveness in our own hearts.
Heads up – if there was a great deal of loss resulting from the action, this may take some help from someone outside yourself. Maybe showing this process to a trusted friend and showing them where you are stuck in it might help. And just because it still stings doesn’t mean you haven’t canceled the debt – feelings linger.
4. Close the Account
- Make the decision to give up my right to anger and vengeance
- Make the moment-by-moment decision to resist reopening the account and holding it over them
Why?
- It brings freedom. It is what Jesus wants for you.
Now I understand that there are deep complexities to this that sometimes require more time and a more involved journey than I’ve alluded to here. I get that. This is a process that I make myself work through regularly as the need arises. But when you feel like your whole life has been destroyed, your jobs and community taken away, by malicious slander – reading through these simple four steps might feel like salt in your wounds.
My dear sister, I am so sorry for your pain. I know that these are deep waters. And I know that it takes time to wade through naming the wounds and the losses.
But I also know that Jesus wants you to get into these waters, if only a little at a time. This is what “lament” is all about- acknowledging the pain and injustice that we are experiencing on the outside and on the inside. This step is crucial before we can come to the turning, the trusting part that we all want to get to, deep in our heart of hearts.
“Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed. For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness. (Lam 3)
So if you have found yourself on this journey to forgive your church, remember these few things. Stop using the term “church hurt.” We don’t have “church hurt” – we have “people hurt.” But we have generalized it to the whole church, partly because of this unique seat on the bus that God has called you to. We have a unique relationship with the church as an entity that sometimes needs to be untangled. So bring it into the light and give it a name instead of allowing it to fester, grow and take on a bigger identity than it deserves.
Second, commit to this process. Make yourself work through it when you first sense the seeds of bitterness in your heart instead of waiting and shoving it down. A good friend reminds me frequently, “When we bury feelings, we don’t bury them dead. We bury them alive.” Let’s let the stings and pain that Jesus has purposefully allowed into our lives to serve the purposes He has for them. Take courage, there’s good fruit to be had on the other side of forgiveness.
WE RECOMMEND:
If you are interested in digging into this topic even more (with fellow pastor’s wives that “get it!”) we’d direct you towards our cohort entitled “Emotionally Health in Ministry.”
“HEALING YOUR CHURCH HURT”
STEPHEN MANSFIELD
This gives broad brushstrokes on healing from hurt in church. It’s not necessarily specific to people in ministry, but is a good place to start.
