I was standing right in the middle of the church foyer with two of my children wrapped around my legs. She was facing me with a big fake smile as she proceeded to tell me how my husband had failed as her pastor. She had been one of my first friends in the church. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and thought we were almost like sisters. As she spoke, I flushed hot and then cold. I mumbled something in response (to this day, I don’t remember what) and locked myself in my husband’s office before I dissolved in tears.
We are all familiar with the feelings…the sick stomach, the pounding head, the rising blood pressure, the anger or perhaps the threat of tears. We’ve been in that place of feeling attacked, betrayed, wounded, accused and defensive. Maybe our gut reaction is to fight back, maybe it’s to run far, far away. Maybe we just feel blindsided and paralyzed.
Whatever my instinctual response is, some perspective can help me avoid the biggest mistake – fighting a dragon by becoming one myself. If I fight fire with fire, then everyone loses in the end.
The instructions in Romans 12, “Do not repay evil with evil…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good,” apply even to difficult members of our church body! There are actions I can take to deal with the dragons in my life effectively and in a way that glorifies God, but before I DO anything, I need to check my PERSPECTIVE.
I must begin by KNOWING WHO GOD HAS SAID THAT I AM. Dragon attacks can feel incredibly personal and wound deeply. When my core identity is firmly rooted in Christ, I’m not so afraid of the opinions of others or of what they can do to me. I know that “nothing can ever separate me from God’s love” (Romans 8)…not even dragons that might tempt me to believe I’m unlovable. I am deeply loved and nothing can change that! God’s delight in me is rooted in who He is, not in what I do.
I also need to REMEMBER WHO FIGHTS THE BATTLE. Romans 8 also says, “if God is for us, who can be against us?” This feels like MY fight and I want to WIN it. The truth is that sometimes the difficult person gets their way. But as long as I live God’s way, it’s a win for the Kingdom. God promises that He will sort everything out in the end. Personally, this is hard for me to hang onto when the attack is on someone I love or when false accusations threaten a reputation or ability to minister in a particular context. I have to consciously choose to exchange my fear for faith.
With God’s help, I can RECOGNIZE THAT MOST OF THE DRAGONS ARE REALLY WOUNDED SHEEP. (Sometimes we encounter “wolves in sheep’s clothing,” but even they can be redeemed). It has proven true over and over in my life that the fire-breathing dragon is really someone going through great pain. That was the case with the woman in the foyer. Her sister was having an affair and the whole family was divided over how to deal with it. When I found out that was her story, it didn’t take the sting away from her betrayal. I still feel it as I write this, but it did help me in the hard task of choosing to love her in spite of it. It also enabled me to choose to seek reconciliation instead of ending the relationship.
Once I have a truer perspective on the painful situation I am in, I can begin to take action. I need to allow the Lord to deal with my heart before we deal with my behavior. Without this heart check, I’m likely to start breathing a little smoke myself!
So maybe you are standing in the church lobby reeling from the impact of the words being hurled at you. Or maybe you are sitting at your kitchen table, like I was, while your close friends and ministry partners let you know they are leaving the church and your failures are to blame. It can happen anywhere! Whatever the circumstances of the attack, the first action I need to take is to PAUSE FOR A MOMENT to be able to choose my reaction.
This might mean saying something like, “Thank you for bringing this to me. I need some time to pray and think about it. Can we set up a time to meet?” If the confrontation has been initiated by text or email, I avoid continuing the conversation through those easily misconstrued channels and ask for an in-person meeting to work things out. Then I wait. I cool off. And then maybe I seek the counsel of a wise mentor (not a gossip session!) When I have gained some emotional stability and perspective, I set a time to get together with the person who hurt me
Before I meet with them again I wrestle through to the place where I MAKE THE DECISION TO FORGIVE. This doesn’t always mean I feel emotional forgiveness…that can be a long journey! But I have to start with the choice to forgive and the determination to hang on to that decision. And I pray for them….it’s amazing what a difference this step makes!
When I have taken the time needed, I can connect with the difficult person in my life with a right perspective and a heart of forgiveness and grace. I want to hear what they have to say and take it into consideration, but in the end I have to stick to the mission God has revealed to me. I need to AVOID BEING DERAILED FROM THE FOCUS GOD HAS CALLED ME TO.
I am not always “in the right”–and even when a dragon approaches me breathing fire, there may be some nuggets of truth in their words. Knowing what God has called me to do (and therefore not do) helps me sift through what they are spewing at me to accept responsibility for my part. Chewing the meat and spitting out the bones with criticism helps me reject the guilt I don’t need to own.
As I interact with the difficult people God has placed in my life, I want to keep my ultimate goal in mind: TO DISCIPLE OTHERS TO BE AND DO WHAT GOD HAS CALLED THEM TO. I start by recognizing that most dragon behavior is a cry for help coming from a place of pain. Sometimes, I just look right at the person who is attacking and ask, “How can I help you?” I try to listen for and ask questions that will expose the real pain going on underneath. I have been amazed at what has been revealed as I specifically ask God to show me the reality behind what I see. Here are some questions I ask myself:
- Do they need to be heard and validated?
- Do they need some perspective they lack right now?
- Do they need healing from a deep hurt?
- Are they reacting from a place of fear?
- Do they need a grace-filled but firm reprimand for displaying behavior that isn’t Christ-like?
- Are they frustrated because they are not involved in the kingdom work God has called them to?
Ultimately, I want my response to be about what is best for them (not just what will make them happy) and not about my own need to win or be justified. Philippians 2:3-4 challenges me to put away my own ambitions and pride and instead value the other above myself…putting their needs first. The chapter goes on to remind me of Jesus’ willingness to empty Himself and be mistreated and misunderstood as my example. I have to walk into the situation with the trust that GOD HAS GOT MY REPUTATION AND IS MY DEFENDER.
Recommended Resources:
How to forgive what you can’t forget – Lysa TerKeurst
