We were cleaning up the kitchen and my littles were clearing the table. The family we’d had over for dinner had just left and we were moving towards the bedtime rituals. The dinner had gone fine. They were a new family at church and it was good to connect with them in a place where we could relax. But what had been a pretty routine evening had led our oldest (I think she was about seven) to a new realization.
“Mom, why is it that whenever we have people over to our house, they never ask us anything about us?
We are always the ones asking the questions. Don’t they wonder anything?
It kind of makes me feel like they don’t care.”
And there it was.
I’d watched this phenomenon for a decade in ministry so far and it was baffling to me. It didn’t just happen with house guests, but with most people that we interacted with. We speculated on the reasons behind this lack of curiosity. Maybe they were preoccupied with how they were coming across, thinking more about themselves than about others. Maybe they never learned how to ask good questions. Maybe they just weren’t curious about anything. We decided we couldn’t presume to know the cause, but we were determined to intentionally raise our kids to be genuinely curious about people. We saw it as a way of living out the Biblical value of being others-centered and showing others the value that Jesus has for them.
Since the girls were old enough to talk, we’d coached them to have three questions ready to ask guests that came for dinner. As they grew, the questions needed to be more meaningful. If they were missionaries, we encouraged questions about culture, about what God was doing, about challenges.
Yes, it might seem a little forced. A little canned. A little scripted. But don’t all of our new habits start there when they are in their infancy? This practice encouraged them to walk through life, their relationships, their challenges and even their conflicts asking the question, “What do I wonder about?”
I am, by nature and by training, curious. Sometimes when I’m in conversations or listening to someone teach, I have to sit on my hands or bite my tongue to keep from interrupting and asking questions that are burning inside me. I was a science teacher for a while. Plus, it’s just the way I’m wired.
But what if you aren’t “wired” to be curious? You realize the need to dig deeper. You understand the value of curiosity and good questions, but they don’t come naturally. How can you foster this value and behavior in your life? (If you aren’t convinced of the importance of curiosity, take a look at Why Curiosity is Critical for Pastors’ Wives)
Here are some ways of thinking about being curious that will give you some tracks to run on as you get started.
First, I need to understand that especially when people come to me with a problem, there is a process that we, as humans, go through to change. When I can attune to where they are in the process of change, I can follow the Holy Spirit on the path where He is already working.
Sometimes when I jump ahead with advice and input, it’s because they are stuck in one of these stages of change and I haven’t realized it. Getting stuck can happen to all of us and derail us from real transformation. Think about the person who makes you take a big breath when you see them coming towards you at church. She seems to be in perpetual crisis and needs to tell you all of the gory details. You can make suggestions but the next time you see her it will be the same song, different lyrics. She’s gotten stuck somewhere in the stages of change.
Here are the Stages of Change
(from John Maxwell’s book “16 Undeniable Laws of Communication”)
Stage #1: Alarm – They have an intense awareness of the problem and its effects on them. Their emotions are in high gear. This is a good time for empathy and listening and making sure their physical needs (safety, food/water, rest) are being met.
Stage #2: Analysis – They have a need to tell the story, bring out the details so that they can be dealt with. This often takes many run-throughs which help to normalize and bring understanding as they put words to what has happened.
Stage #3: Asking – They are seeking an outside perspective. They have realized, through their own wrestling, that they need wisdom and are in the learning seat.
Stage #4: Applying – They have a willingness to act on what they know needs to happen.
When I can ask questions that help me to identify where they are in this process, I am more able to pay attention to where the Holy Spirit has already led and follow Him in the process.
Obstacles to My Own Curiosity
Why is curiosity so hard to nurture in ourselves? What gets in the way of your being curious?
Here are the top obstacles I see in my own life and in the women that I mentor who are working at being more curious.
- Being tired – I just don’t have the energy to dig into this.
- Not enough time – Let’s just cut to the chase and get it fixed.
- Self focused – I’m thinking about how I’m coming across, trying to impress, needing to bring value to the table.
- Revolving door of relationships – People are always entering and leaving my life. I allow myself to be curious. I invest. I see fruit. And they leave. I don’t get curious out of self protection.
Do any of these resonate with you? Talk that over with the Lord and maybe a friend or your spouse.
Practical Ways to Nurture My Own Curiosity
- Practice in less emotionally charged places.
- Nurture curiosity in other areas that don’t take so much emotional energy, like learning about how something works or how to do something new.
- Remind yourself that not knowing something is not a weakness. It is an opportunity to be a learner and to highlight someone else’s value.
- Get in the practice of “wondering”. The next time your husband tells you about something difficult, make yourself respond with a question. Or dig into what you don’t know. In the next conversation you have, go into it looking for something to learn.
- Mind their stage. Are they in Alarm, Analysis, Asking or Applying? What questions could I ask that might help them move from one stage to the next?
- Mind your obstacles
- Don’t go in worn out – If you recognize that your tank is empty and you don’t have the capacity for the conversation right then, say it. Sometimes it helps others to see that you have limits and that you use wisdom in minding your margin. Acknowledge that their problem sounds complicated and ask if you can set up coffee and talk later in the week.
And lastly, I need to ask the Lord to give me a heart that genuinely loves and cares for His people. This will come out in curiosity. But trying to act curious because we know it’s the “right thing to do” always falls flat and ends up sounding more like an interrogation. I’ve often asked myself this question in my time alone with the Lord so that we can get my heart in the right place.
Am I asking questions that cause them to hear from the Lord or from me?
When we ask genuinely curious questions, God uses them to help them feel His value and delight in them. He uses them to reveal the condition of their hearts and to create a teachable moment where they are open to His wisdom in a new way. Getting a chance to insert our own wisdom or our own story isn’t our goal. Our heart’s desire is to help them know Him better and hear His voice. So trust the Lord to grow your curiosity so that He can use it to accomplish His purposes through you.
We are excited to share this additional resource article with you about the questions Jesus asked in His time on earth. This article highlights that the questions Jesus asked were curious, open-ended and challenging. Our prayer for you is that you grow in curiosity, as a valuable tool in your calling in your place of influence. And so, as a benediction over you this time, we leave you with one of the questions Jesus asked:
Matthew 24:45
“Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom the master has put in charge of the servants in his household to give them their food at the proper time?”
WE RECOMMEND
Heather Holleman’s book “The Six Conversations”
Deepening Your Relationships with Thoughtful Conversation – Dr. Heather Holleman (youtube.com)
